subscribe
/ Sign Out

Everyone had forgotten this country is freezing cold most of the time

EVERYONE had forgotten England is generally absolutely freezing, it has emerged.

As millions awoke to disconcertingly low temperatures, many were puzzled about how this could be happening in such a warm, balmy place.

Driving instructor Wayne Hayes said: “I was fairly sure it was hot and sunny here all the time, certainly that’s what we have been led to believe.

“But then I noticed all the thick, heavy clothes in my wardrobe that for some reason I hadn’t taken to the charity shop, and it started to come back to me.

“This isn’t a nice warm little island, it’s a fucking freezing hellhole. Now I just need to remember why I chose to live here.”

Estate agent Mary Fisher said: “I thought this coldness was just emanating from my soul, but then I googled ‘seasons’ and got a nasty shock. At least the days don’t get really short and dark or anything weird and bleak like that.”

Man laughing at old photos of himself unaware he's still a twat

A MAN has been laughing at old photos of himself, completely unaware he is still an utter twat.

Stephen Malley, 35, recently found photos on his old old Myspace account, adding: “I’d forgotten about the account and hadn’t touched it for 20 years. When I opened it up I found all of these old photos of myself. They made me laugh out loud, I was such a skinny little twat back then.”

However, what Malley was unaware of is that while he may not be a skinny little twat anymore, now he is just a slightly overweight twat with man-tits.

He added: “In one picture I’ve got this really stupid haircut and I can’t believe what I’m wearing. Ridiculous skinny jeans and a gaudy t-shirt from a charity shop. Ugh, such a bellend.”

But while in the past Malley was a meaningless twat obsessed with desperately trying to look cool and meet girls, now he is just a boring twat, happy to dress in a non-offensive manner and have essentially the same conversations over and over again until he dies.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “What Stephen doesn’t realise is that the specifics of how he looked and behaved weren’t necessarily what made him a twat.

“He possesses something I call ‘core twattery’, which means while literally every detail can change about him, his twattishness remains unabated.”

Next story ›