BRITISH animals are to start causing trouble at England football fixtures, it has emerged.
Following disturbance at a Swiss match where a pine marten bit a player, Britain’s native mammals were inspired to organise themselves into football firms.
Badger Julian Cook is a member of the Woodland Crew: “Any foreign animals get up in our faces we’ll bite their legs off, and same goes for coppers.
“We’re the most feral creatures in the world.”
THE laboratory in hit TV series Breaking Bad was actually making crystal methamphetamine, it has emerged.
New Mexico police raided the Breaking Bad set to discover the series – about a terminally-ill teacher making crystal meth – was an incredibly audacious cover for industrial-scale drugs manufacturing.
DEA agent Tom Logan said: “Talk about hiding in plain sight. Every week these guys were on our screens, boasting about the purity of their meth and how much ‘cheddar’ they were making.
“We thought it seemed pretty realistic, and that the meth in the series looked very much like the incredibly high quality crystal we started seeing on the street when Season One first aired.
“That guy who plays Walter White, I just knew he was sneaky in real life. When he narrows his eyes like he does, you can see he’s pure evil.”
However the cartel behind Breaking Bad is threatening to issue spoilers for the series finale if charges are pressed.
Agent Tom Logan said: “I’m torn, because on the one hand these guys were singled-handedly fuelling the New Mexico meth trade.
“But as a viewer I’ve invested a lot of time and energy in that show. If you put aside the legal aspect it’s still the best thing on television by a million miles.
“Apparently the writing team were all on crystal meth, it’s why the plotlines are so brilliantly packed with tension.”
