ARE Meghan and Harry splitting up? Who knows? Who cares? But if they are, here are some tried-and-tested phrases for dumping a male partner without feeling too bad about it.
‘You’ll meet someone amazing’
The full version is: ‘You’ll meet someone amazing, I just know it.’ Weird, isn’t it, how girlfriends suddenly develop the power of prophecy just when they need to chuck you? Would Harry meet someone amazing? It’s impossible to say. He could be miserably wanking into a sock for years to come, like so many dumped boyfriends whose ex-girlfriends turned out not to be psychic after all.
‘It’s not you, it’s me’
Meghan loves cliched Californian therapy-speak, as evidenced by her podcast, so she might actually believe this herself. It’s bullshit, obviously. If you don’t want to eat a Pot Noodle, it’s not because you have ‘snack food issues’ you need to work through, it’s because you feel you can find something better to eat than rubber bands in dehydrated puke.
‘I need some space’
Meghan should definitely have this in her armoury, as it’s a great way to defuse the situation by falsely implying you might get back together. Of course, once she’s tried out this ‘space’ she may choose to fill it with some actor she knows, a Californian billionaire type or maybe even another English posho, if she’s not had her fill of watching twats play golf on horses.
‘We can still be friends’
This is a good one because you’re generously offering your ex a crap runner-up prize, which makes you feel like a lovely person. However it also ensures a clean break, because unless your boyfriend is a complete moron they’ll realise that in practice it means they get to keep the tedium of listening to your problems while giving up the compensation of shagging you.
‘We’re very different people’
This is an ideal platitude for Meghan. Normally it’s just a nice way of saying ‘I’m intending to shag someone better’ but for Harry and Meghan it’s actually true and she’s extremely normal compared to his f**king freakshow of a family. Maybe it was never meant to be and Meghan should go back to dating Hollywood types and Harry, in classic dumped boyfriend fashion, could get back together with an ex out of desperation. Chelsy and Cressida are both married now but maybe that woman he shagged in a field would be up for it?
‘It’s not about looks’
This would be a nice thing for Meghan to lie about, as guys really don’t need their self-confidence napalmed just when they’re being dumped. Obviously in this case Harry’s hair is clearly at fault, because it’s ginger and on a one-way trip to Stathamville. Luckily Harry has never been noted for his intellectual prowess, so he might just fail to notice that his replacement has thick, luxuriant, normal-coloured hair.
‘You deserve someone better’
Somewhat irrelevant since the boyfriend being dumped hasn’t expressed a desire to go out with Margot Robbie or the young Karen Allen. Also it doesn’t make sense unless their girlfriend has done something bad like cheating. There’s no evidence Meghan has done that, in fact there’s no evidence Meghan and Harry are splitting up at all, but that’s not a problem for the British press, who regularly give us scoops like ‘You should definitely vote for Brexit’ and ‘Heidi Klum’s daughter is fit’.
