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'We thought she'd have stopped by now': A man explains Madonna to his children

MADONNA is in the UK this week to start her world tour. Here, 52-year-old Martin Bishop explains to younger generations the significance of this geriatric lady with a strange face.

She didn’t always look like that

I know you’re wondering why an elderly woman with an amount of fillers that would baffle the Kardashians has sold out the O2 arena, but she was young once, like me. And very popular too, with women, gays and shifty blokes who were both terrified and turned on by her conical bra. Like me.

She was so shocking she was excommunicated by the Pope

You’re used to singers banging on about their wet ass pussies left, right and centre, so writhing around with a black Jesus in a music video will cause you no concern. However, it upset the Pope so much that he excommunicated Madge. Yeah, I don’t actually know what that means either.

She caused a furore by snogging Britney Spears

In 2023 every other singer is gay or genderqueer and nobody gives a toss. However, way back in 2003, Madonna snogged Britney Spears at the MTV Awards and the world pretty much stopped spinning on its axis. The lengths your generation have to go to upset people now is ridiculous. I’m sure Sam Smith would spend a lot less time trussed up in PVC like a kinky Billy Bunter if he could just shock everyone by snogging Lewis Capaldi.

She released a book called Sex and everyone lost their shit

Back in 1992 porn was not two clicks away on your mobile because the internet hadn’t been invented and watching videos on a telephone was the preserve of Tomorrow’s World. So when Madonna released a book full of sexy pictures, it caused worldwide consternation. Given that you knew what the reverse cowgirl was by the age of 13 it would be about as raunchy as a daguerreotype of a Victorian lady’s ankle to you.

We thought she’d have stopped by now

You’re right, it’s strange that a woman your granny’s age is doing a huge stage show featuring songs called Like A Virgin and Erotica. And yes, it must be mortifying for her kids – you’d run away and live in a ditch if I so much as took my top off at the beach. And rightly so. Honestly, we thought she’d have jacked it in by now but presumably she needs the money. Get your pensions sorted out, kids, or you might end up like Madonna.

Ibuprofen and a tummy rub: How I cure menstruation, by a boyfriend

NO one understand period pain like a boyfriend, so I’m here to share my foolproof methods for curing this whole pesky menstruation thing. By Josh Gardner.

Ibuprofen

First I reassure Lucy by demonstrating there are no lengths I won’t go to to help. I pop to the shops and pick up some painkillers, own brand, not Advil, I’m not made of money. If I really want to push the boat out, I get paracetamol too (also own-brand). But ultimately, ibuprofen fixes the little headache I get from watching too much Netflix, so it must get rid of period cramps too.

Tummy rub

I’ve seen enough TikToks of dogs getting tickled to know how to calm a distressed animal. If she says ‘What are you doing? That’s my stomach, not my uterus’, I gently respond ‘Shhh’. Sometimes I go as high as the shoulders and neck. My thinking is that if I touch enough pressure points, I’ll eventually find the acupuncture spot which turns off womb pain.

Chocolate

She sometimes says she wants expensive cocoa-heavy chocolate because too much sugar makes her even more bloated, but I usually manage to talk her into Cadbury Marvellous Creations. At the end of the day, chocolate is chocolate and the popping candy bits make my mouth feel fun and tickly.

A movie

You might think I should let her choose the film. Wrong. I’ve spent £3.10 on chocolate and drugs so she owes me. Something like Carrie is a good choice for menstruating women – it makes her feel ‘seen’ and reminds her other people have a much worse time of it. If she’s too exhausted to watch it to the end, I do the chivalrous thing and tuck her up in bed before finishing Stephen King’s masterpiece alone with a few lagers.

Sex

It’s a good painkiller. It certainly helped numb the pain I felt after my grandma’s funeral. And if she’s feeling too bunged up, there’s plenty of other stuff to do. Petting, blowjobs, and on the internet I recently saw something called a ‘Pennsylvanian rummage’. It all releases endorphins, and endorphins make the pain go away, right?

Spot cream

Zits can be an unfortunate side-effect of women’s hormones, especially for men. If Lucy’s looking particularly hideous I generously buy her some Clearasil and call her ‘Pizza Face’, which is hilarious and cheers her up no end. 

Breakfast in bed

If Lucy’s still feeling rough the next morning, I treat her to my culinary expertise. I have to be careful choosing the menu, though. Eggs might remind her of ovules, and black pudding is obviously inappropriate. I tend to play it safe – chuck some Cheerios in a bowl and call it a day. It’s all about putting her needs first.

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