Third Middleton sister to have controversial vagina

PLANS are underway to launch a third Middleton sister who will have a controversial vagina.

The third Middleton sister, provisionally called Clarissa, will be phased in during early 2013, before becoming embroiled in a vaginal hoo-hah.

As with her elder sisters, the private-parts-based story will then dominate the summer months.

Royal biographer Denys Finch-Hatton said: “Clarissa won’t be a biological Middleton, she’s just an attractive upper middle-class girl they found buying jogging bottoms in Jack Wills.

“We’re seeing the Middleton family becoming more like Oasis or Van Halen – a unit built around siblings, but with other necessary randomers. Except rather than playing an instrument, each one has an exceptional body part.

“The precise nature of Clarissa’s vagina incident is undecided, there could be some kind of Basic Instinct-style flash at Royal Ascot as the wind catches her dress.

“Or maybe they’ll do something original and give her a talking vagina, like a character from a bad 70s sex comedy.”

Public fascination with royal genitalia dates back to Prince Albert’s invention of penis piercing.

Albert wrote in his diary: “This body adornment may have been rash as the chafing is almost constant. However it does look rather awe-inspiring, if I do say so myself.”

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Unemployed youngsters 'make excellent pets'

YOUNG people with time on their hands can become domestic pets under a government pilot scheme.

The scheme, which is the brainchild of Tory backbench MP Denys Finch Hatton, sees unemployed youth and recent school leavers living with host families as ‘dog substitutes’.

Each participant gets a free basket to sleep in, in exchange for which they are expected to guard the home, make appealing facial expressions and run around in circles with their tongue out when their owner returns from work.

Finch Hatton said: “Labrador pups are nearly a grand these days, yet we have all these teenagers sitting around on benefits, many of whom are quite strokable.

“They also have shaggy hair, boundless energy and a love of colourful things, all excellent dog qualities.

“As dogs they learn the merits of automatic obedience and uncritical faith in their masters, qualities which, sadly, nowadays, are somewhat in decline.”

“And they learn how to bark. So many young people tend to mumble.”

Finch Hatton also believes that living on dog food improves the diet of many inner city youngsters, weaning them from chicken nuggets onto meaty jelly-coated chunks.

17-year-old human pet Julian Cook said: “It was a terrible, demeaning experience. In retrospect I’d have made a better cat.

“Sleep 14 hours a day, do nothing useful, treat the people who feed me with utter contempt, be on YouTube a lot, sleep some more.”

The Liberal Democrats said they were all for the idea but said their principal concern was that the issuing of dog-style licences to young people might raise a civil liberties issue.

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