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The next six TV stars who Ed Balls plans to give a solid boot to the head

ED Balls has made the news for accidentally kicking Susanna Reid in the head. But which annoying TV stars genuinely deserve it?

Richard Madeley

If he had to kick someone from Good Morning Britain, it’s a shame Balls didn’t choose Richard Madeley. He’s been a twat on daytime television for years and doesn’t seem to be showing any signs of retiring, but a hard enough knock to the head might render him unconscious for a few blissful minutes. 

Paul Hollywood

Steely-eyed silver fox Paul is one of the most arrogant people to have ever appeared on our screens, dispensing revered handshakes as if he is Jesus healing the sick rather than a man who is quite good at making cakes. A big punt from Ed Balls might knock some of the swagger out of him. 

Everyone on Loose Women

Watching Loose Women is like eavesdropping on a table of pissed-up women in a Wetherspoons, slagging each other off and arguing for the sake of it with no clear point. It’s a mystery why it’s still on telly, and is so rubbish that its own viewers regularly call for it to be cancelled. If Ed Balls could turn up on set and give them all a kick in quick succession, like a ninja, it would get millions of new viewers and probably win a BAFTA.

Nadine Dorries

Having appeared on I’m A Celebrity and briefly hosted a chat show, Dorries counts as a TV star and if anyone needs a boot to the head it’s her. She and Ed would have been in parliament at the same time and it would have been difficult to kick her there, so he’s probably itching to do it.

Gordon Ramsay

What is it about cooking on television that turns some men into absolute bellends? Ramsay deserves a massive kick, and it would be extra-humiliating to bronzed, hyper-masculine Gordon if it was delivered by a pudgy politician who appeared on a camp dancing show. Put the boot in Ed, he’s very annoying.

The Compare The Market meerkats

Mildly amusing when they first appeared on screen in 2009, these irritating animals now have a complex backstory and a growing family, and all because of an incredibly lame play on words. All of them need a big kick in the head, especially the idiot wombat nephew Carl. Perhaps not so much a kick as a ‘thorough stamping on’.

How to set up your account on our foolproof Postmaster Compensation Hub: A guide by Fujitsu

HAVE you been wrongly accused of theft due to clunky Fujitsu technology? Here’s how to claim compensation from our 100 per cent reliable Fujitsu online hub.

Answer a series of security questions and create a memorable password

To help set up your profile, we need to know a little bit about you. Tell us your name, which Post Office branch you worked at and when, plus your mother’s maiden name, your passport number, your entire medical history, and a scan of your retinas and fingerprints. Then all you have to do is choose a secure password. How about: MrBates1SaM0neyGrabbingTwat£2024?

Enter how much you think we owe you

This might be hard to remember because it all happened ages ago, so if in doubt just enter £0.00. If you’re somehow convinced Fujitsu swindled you out of tens of thousands of pounds and your home, enter a ballpark number. Don’t worry if the sum mysteriously changes before your eyes, that’s the system working out the correct figure.

Give us your bank details and authorise a direct debit

So that we can make sure the right money goes to the right account, please enter your account number, sort code and those bizarrely important three numbers on the back of your debit card. Then all you need to do is approve a direct debit to Fujitsu. We might take a few pounds out of your account, but that’s just to make sure we’ve got the right details. Nothing to be concerned about.

Do you have a criminal record? List any quashed convictions

Unfortunately, we are completely unable to process compensation claims if you have a criminal record. Even if you have been cleared of a previous unlawful conviction and ITV has made an on-the-nose drama about it, our system simply refuses pointblank. Sorry. As a major multinational company we have to obey the law when it suits us.

Let us do the rest

That’s it, you’re set up! Now you can sit back, relax, and let the Fujitsu supercomputer deal with your money. Your compensation claim could take up to 12 years to go through the system though, so don’t keep refreshing your account hoping for a result. A watched kettle never boils and all that. In fact it’s probably best if you simply forget about the whole thing, like your Amazon Prime subscription.

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