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Six celebrities whose sex lives will be deeply problematic in the near future

RIGHT now they have the public and media’s blessing, but in between a few months and a few years we’ll be horrified at what we condoned: 

Harry Styles, by 2027

A double-edged sword because not only is the current Harry deserving of censure – he slept with four different models from one Victoria’s Secret show, making out the event is in some way sexual – the older women who objectified him when he was a teenager are essentially nonces. Nobody’s getting out of this one unscathed.

Taylor Swift, by 2029

When #HeToo arrives, turning scrutiny to the evils of the female gaze, overdue retribution for the woman who doxxed every boyfriend she ever had by writing multiple songs about them will finally arrive. She monetised their love and ran off with the profits. And we applauded her for it? Appalling.

Leonardo DiCaprio, by 2025

Leo’s predeliction for the under-25s is well-known, but what’s worse is he seems to have narrowed his focus. He now only dates 25-year-olds, getting off on the thrill of knowing that any month now the woman he’s balls-deep in will become a hideous hag. The future will deplore him for his games of erotic chicken.

Britney Spears, by 2028

Fans who only wanted to support Britney are constantly harrassed by her semi-nude dances on Instagram. They’re afraid to pick up their phones in case she’s once again twirling coquettishly in her kitchen, boobs covered only by her hands. Eventually they recognise this for what it is: harrassment and not okay.

Every winning couple on Love Island, by 2031

So there used to be this show, right, in the 20s when everyone was f**king horrible, where they forced people to couple up? Like breeding pandas? They actually made them have sex and pretend to be in love, and only the ones they deemed to be the most convincing won money? And those sick f**ks used to watch this for entertainment?

Cheryl Fernandez-Versini, by late 2023

Wait, she was his mentor on a TV talent show when he was 14? He stayed in her judge’s house and she groomed him for stardom? Then she came back eight years later, when he was legal and a millionaire, and began a sexual relationship with him? Then had his child? Then dumped him? Jesus Christ, how did we allow One Direction to happen?

'We have demonetised his YouTube. Mission accomplished,' say Zelensky, Big Pharma and the New World Order

THE enemies of Russell Brand have met in tunnels below Denver airport to celebrate the demonetisation of his YouTube channel.  

The Ukranian prime minister, the creators of the Covid lockdown and representatives of the shadowy organisation which controls humanity chuckled as events unfolded exactly as they planned them.

Drug company CEO Norman Steele said: “Brand is, of course, completely innocent. But his hard-hitting, painstakingly-researched videos were getting too close to the truth.

“As a conspiracy theorist with an internet audience in the thousands, Brand had become too powerful. Our $1.4 trillion industry was on the verge of collapse. When he spotted the telltale signs that the Hawaii wildfires were caused by a space laser, we had to act. ”

A representative of the NWO said: “Brand is finished. We made sure of it by arranging allegations we can’t guarantee will be proven in a court of law. Nobody can come back from that.

“If only he’d been vaccinated we could have used the 5G network to activate the nanomachines in his bloodstream and take over his brainstem. But he was too smart for us.”

Ukrainian president Vladimir Zelensky added: “Brand uncovered the truth; the war is a scam to fleece the US of billions because there’s no new Paddington film to dub. He had to be silenced. Nothing personal, Russ.”

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