TOM Cruise is just good friends with former squeeze Hayley Atwell, four weeks before their new film comes out. So should you shag Hollywood’s most questionable bachelor?
He remains short
The master of live-action stuntwork he may be, but he’s also a shortarse. It needn’t be a relationship deal-breaker, but be aware all his homes are built to scale and he has a three-quarter size red convertible like Stuart Little.
The Scientology
Most girlfriends don’t have to play along with their partner’s belief that they’re a reincarnated Thetan brought to Earth by Xenu, ruler of the Galactic Confederacy. It’s like being in Doctor Who every day, albeit one of the shit ones.
Sexuality
Married, a father, a string of girlfriends from Cher to Penelope Cruz, so why do the rumours persist? Is it possible to be so deep in the closet you’re indistinguishable from straight? Is it just a weird but harmless boyfriend interest like World War Two or wrestling?
He might jump on a sofa
There isn’t really a circumstance where someone’s so pleased they’re shagging you they jump up and down on a sofa that works. It’s an odd way to show enthusiasm for having sex with a woman. It would be less embarrassing if he was in the local paper for wanking in pet shops.
His age
60-year-old Tom looks buff, but allegedly wore a corset while getting married to Katie Holmes. God knows how these things work, but it’s possible that once released from his girdle Tom will expand outward like a life-raft and resemble Eric Cartman.
The shit films
Mainly they’re alright. But artsy sword-and-sorcery movie Legend was miscast, playing a Vietnam vet in a wheelchair was an Oscar-grab and Days of Thunder f**king sucked. And Tom Cruise does seem the kind of guy who likes to spend a quiet night in watching a Tom Cruise film.
The slim chance of a deal with the Devil
Tom looks remarkably youthful and is still cranking out hit movies four decades in, so a deal with Satan seems safe to assume. This is his problem, not yours. Make sure you’re out when Lucifer calls. At the first whiff of sulphur say you’ve got to pop out to the 24-hour garage for an onion.
