HI! I’m attractive, famous and went to Oxford so I can do no wrong, even when making wild and it transpires incorrect assumptions in tweets. I also opine on these subjects:
Horse racing
Am I familiar with the world of racing? No, so I’m tweeting my hot tips. Today I’m backing Ajax Handcream Scandal in the 15.35 at Newmarket at 500-1. Put on at least £10,000 if you’ve got it.
Mass murders
When I hear about a horrific incident, I strongly imply insider knowledge by mentioning one, and only one, possible cause. With Sydney I said ‘global intifada’. That’s not technically it’s Islamic terrorism, just terrorism-adjacent. It’s as if I said: ‘Want something to eat? I fancy a pizza.’ Only an idiot would order a pizza on that basis.
Medical advice
I’m not a doctor, so where’s the harm in giving medical advice? Got a pain in your head, like a dull ache? Brain tumour, inoperable. Slight itching downstairs? Herpes, or radiation burns. How can anyone with a maths degree be wrong?
Jeremy Corbyn
Because Corbyn was a rabid anti-Semite, I had a T-shirt made of him being arrested carrying a placard at an anti-apartheid demo in 1984, but replacing his slogan with ‘Jeremy Corbyn is a racist endeavour’. Because that message isn’t ludicrously complicated at all so is perfect for 240 characters on Twitter.
Magnetohydrodynamics
Imagine a molten metal, which is also magnetic, interacting with plasma in a vacuum. I have, and while it’s an immensely complicated field only a handful of people worldwide understand, I imagine it’s much like if you pop a bath bomb in while the plug’s out. In Australia.
Slender Man
Gives me the creeps. I haven’t researched this but I’ve seen the pictures and he certainly poses a threat, especially to small children. Warn them about him late at night when they can’t sleep. It’s better they’re informed.
What to do if attacked by a bear
During breaks on Countdown while the contestants are being defibrillated, I run through bear attack scenarios. I’d play with the bear’s cubs to prove I’m no threat and halt any attacks. After that I wonder: am I the archetypal brainy person unknowledgable outside their narrow specialism? Yes, just like Richard Dawkins. Who everyone loves!
