ACTOR Ian McKellen is to return to the West End stage, following a disastrous fall into darkness, purer and more powerful than ever.
The 85-year-old thespian was rushed to hospital after falling off stage at the Noël Coward theatre, but amazed doctors by making an instantaneous recovery while transmuting to his final and most formidable form.
Ambulance driver Tom Booker said: “It was a standard injured pensioner, 14 hours in the ambulance and 22 on a trolley before being prescribed aspirin and sent home.
“But then, while we sat there, a strange white light enveloped his body and his shabby Falstaff costume transformed into immaculately white robes, which doesn’t usually happen.
“He picked up his staff, muttered something about being the sole emissary of the Valar, hopped out the back door still glowing ethereally and headed purposefully back to the theatre. I reckon he’ll be back on stage tomorrow. Didn’t give us complementary tickets.”
McKellen the White said: “Following my epic battle with gravity and the floor, I have become more wise and powerful than McKellen the Grey ever was, though my knee’s still tricky.
“If you thought I could act before, you ain’t seen nothing yet. I’ll be delivering Shakespearean soliloquies like a mother f**ker and improvising new stuff worthy of the bard himself, all in perfect iambic pentameter.
“I can also control metal like Magneto.”
