subscribe
/ Sign Out

Kate and William seen boarding Megabus

THE Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have dealt another PR blow to rivals Harry and Meghan by being pictured taking their family to Aberdeen by Megabus. 

William and Kate showed off their perfect regal poise as they stepped aboard the budget service for the 14-hour journey, deftly ignoring the stale odour and the man who is either asleep or dead on the back seat.

Passenger Wayne Hayes said: “Wow. They have made Meghan look like such an ars*hole.

“William put everyone perfectly at their ease by playing hardcore hip hop through a Bluetooth speaker and the children each had a can of Monster energy drink.

“And Kate, marvellous Kate, whipped out a Greggs bag and made delightful conversation with the woman next to her about how unfair it was her benefits had been sanctioned because Dazza is a f**king grass.

“Covered in crumbs from a cheese and onion pasty, fiddling elegantly with the strictly ornamental air-con nozzle, Kate truly is the people’s princess.”

A royal insider said: “Meghan’s furious. Her and Harry have bought matching Lonsdale hoodies and are setting themselves up in Mansfield Wetherspoons for the afternoon.”

The swingeing, petty rules to follow at your holiday flat

WELCOME to your holiday flat. We hope you have a wonderful stay, though I hope to make that less likely by settling these rules: 

Air-conditioning

You may have chosen this property specifically because it has air-conditioning. Nonetheless, do not use it. Ostensibly this is because of the noise it makes disturbs other holidaymakers, and I might even throw in an insulting reference to climate change, but we both know it’s because of my electricity bills.

Lavatorial waste

Because the property is in the country, the toilet feeds into a septic tank. And because you’re not from the country you have no idea what that means, so will be in a state of fearful indecision about what ‘Do not flush extraneous paper products’ means and at least one family member will put shitted loo paper into a bin.

Hot water

I can’t believe you’re expecting hot water like it’s some kind of human right. Admittedly there is an immersion heater, installed by a previous owner who was a hedonistic sybarite obsessed with luxury, but leave it on for no more than 30 minutes maximum. That’s enough for hot showers for a family of five.

Local businesses

You must visit the pub down the road, the butcher in the next village and a fish restaurant 22 miles away. As you’ll realise after a week these certainly aren’t the best in the area – far from it – but they are run by mates of mine.

Minor issues

The back door falls off the hinges whenever opened, one of the legs of the bed is propped up on breezeblocks, and the washing machine simply doesn’t rinse. Mentioning any of these issues is discourteous and will see you frowned at.

Next story ›