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'I'll do whatever the f**k I want', says 97-year-old who can do whatever the f**k he wants

A 97-YEAR-OLD who can do whatever he fucking feels like has confirmed his intention to do exactly that.

After causing a car crash, Philip Mountbatten, from Norfolk, Berkshire, Aberdeenshire, and Belgravia, asked what anyone was going to do to stop him.

Mountbatten, who also believes that seat belts are ‘effeminate’, said: “What are you going to do, throw me in jail? I’m 97, that’s just horrible. Or perhaps you’re going to fine me 500 quid? Is that a lot of money? I have absolutely no idea.”

The retired naval officer added: “If I fucking well feel like it, I’ll steal your car, crash it into your living room and then walk away shortly after insulting you, based on what I believe to be your ethnicity.

“And for the avoidance of doubt, I’d do this even if my wife’s coat of arms wasn’t nailed to the wall of every court house in the country.

“Now get out of my way, you Irish-looking homosexual.”

Man decides to just agree with everyone that Paddington 2 is some sort of masterpiece

A MAN has decided to just go along with everyone and say that Paddington 2 is one of the greatest pieces of cinema ever made.

Tom Logan, 36, confirmed his new found appreciation for the kids film in the pub last night after someone brought up that it’s got a 100 percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

Logan said: “Everyone started gushing about it, saying it was a near perfect film and that Hugh Grant deserved a pile of Oscars for his performance in it.

“Then someone turned to me and said, ‘Tom, what do you think of Paddington 2?’.

“Internally I said, ‘Yeah it’s a good kids film. Not as good as The Witches, Time Bandits or about 20 other kids films I could mention but it’s a very good kids film.

“As a piece of cinema though, if you think it’s on a par with The Three Colours Trilogy, Taxi Driver or Bicycle Thieves then I’d suggest you either haven’t seen any of those films or that you have the mind of a 10 year old.

“But, I didn’t say any of those things. I said, ‘yeah, it’s amazing’.”

“Citizen Kane? More like Citizen Paddington 2.”

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