THE £400 fuel rebate will be helping not just the poor but the super-rich get through winter. Here’s how they plan to spend it:
Ofgem chief executive Jonathan Brearley
‘I’ve always wanted noise-cancelling headphones, so when my rebate comes in I’m going to invest in a top-of-the-range Bose pair. They’ll filter out the incessant whine of the public who don’t understand how price caps work.’
The Queen
‘As a tribute to my mother, who I lost 20 years ago, I’ll put £100 on Fandango Sunrise to win in the 2.40 at Kempton, £200 on Thunderbolt Hall each way in the 3.50, £80 on an acca at Ascot and £20 on scratchcards. It’s what she would have wanted.’
Akshata Murphy, wife of Rishi Sunak
‘It is nothing to me. It is like Britain, like shit. But Rishi is only a millionaire, so I have booked him a spa session for after his inevitable loss. Then we leave forever.’
Mike Ashley, Sports Direct owner
‘I’m buying a Sports Direct mug so large I can swim in it. At the end of a motivational work event, it’ll be filled with lager and I’ll dive in and drink the entire thing before letting out a massive, tooth-rattling burp. Then I’ll fire 200 staff, chosen at random.’
James Dyson, entrepreneur
‘I find money inspiring, and £400 seems the right price for a premium Dyson product. I’ll create a cyclonic frisbee, which hovers on a cushion of air and flies 600ft, and market it as this year’s must-have Christmas present. It’ll be a tribute to British innovation manufactured in Singapore.’
Jacob Rees-Mogg, member for North East Somerset
‘A new government must focus on what matters to the British people, so it is crucial that I invest in a monocle. Crafted in solid silver with a hand-ground lens, it will endow me with gravitas and bearing. I will leave the £400 as a tip.’
Ed Sheeran, musician
‘I’ll get a new car, I think – perhaps a Honda Civic with a few thousand miles on the clock and a 1.8 engine so it’s got a bit of oomph. And if you’re thinking £400 won’t be enough, you’re right, but remember I’ve got 27 homes and get that rebate for each of them.’
Chris O’Shea, boss of British Gas’s owner Centrica
‘I’m not actually one of Britain’s richest people. £775,000 a year is meagre compared to most of these people. So I’ll buy the world’s smallest violin and play it while I sob myself to sleep.’
