Gen Z celebrities explained for blissfully ignorant middle-aged people

26th October 2023

IS your child thrilled because a celeb you’ve never heard of liked their comment on a social media platform you didn’t know existed? It’s time to end your shameful ignorance.

Addison Rae

TikToker turned actor Addison Rae became famous when TikTok was about posting viral dances instead of spreading misinformation and reviewing Starbucks from the passenger seat of your car. She went on to star in He’s All That, the gender-swapped reboot of She’s All That, which was universally panned, hopefully killing the genre forever. If not, expect to see her in Butler in Manhattan in 2025.

The Heartstopper cast

Heartstopper is the heartwarming Netflix show about diverse British school kids helping each other come out of the closet and be their truest selves. Not to be confused with Sex Education (we definitely need two shows on this theme) because this one’s for tweens so it’s about kissing instead of shagging. There’s Joe Locke, Yasmin Finney, and Kit Connor. It’s a long shot, but you might recognise him as the diddly little nerd version of Elton John in Rocketman.

Life With MaK

Has your Gen Zer ever chewed disgustingly in your ear, scraped acrylic nails over a notebook, and said ‘It’s ASMR’? YouTubers like Life With MaK are the reason why. ASMR is basically randoms on the internet making a bunch of strange noises that supposedly relax you, but often make you want to rip your ears off instead.

Billie Eilish

Everyone loved her, then much of Gen Z put a stop to that by accusing her of queerbaiting (pretending to be gay to increase album sales, not hunting them for sport). Others think she did nothing wrong, so just to be safe, when her name comes up, jerk your head in a way that could be interpreted as a nod of approval or a shake of condemnation: Schrödinger’s Nod.

Rachel Sennott

She’s this generation’s Natasha Lyonne. That is to say she made a name for herself playing gay characters, so everyone was flabbergasted to find out she had a boyfriend in real life. She also played a Jewish character in Shiva Baby despite being raised Catholic, so it’s astonishing that Gen Z hasn’t already cancelled her for appropriating queer Jewish culture.

Phoebe Bridgers

She was in Fleabag, right? Wrong. That’s Phoebe Waller-Bridge. Phoebe Bridgers is the bleach-blonde singer who writes about bisexuality and hating her dad. And just to complicate things, Phoebe Waller-Bridge directed one of her music videos. She’s also in a supergroup with Lucy Dacus and Julien Baker. They’re all technically millennials, but Gen Z is obsessed. Think of it as their version of Cream.

Paul Mescal

Remember the hot Irish guy from Normal People who shagged for 41 minutes of BBC screen time back in summer 2020? Update: he appeared in the aforementioned Bridgers/Waller-Bridge music video, dated Phoebe Bridgers for a bit, and he’s about to appear in a gay romantic drama opposite fellow hot Irish guy Andrew Scott, who previously starred opposite Phoebe Waller-Bridge in Fleabag. Keeping up? Good. You’ve not gone senile yet.

Zendaya

Star of Euphoria and the new Spiderman movies, you might recognise her as the dull-as-f**k acrobat in The Greatest Showman, or the pretty lady in the Dune trailers who was barely in the movie. She’s dating Tom Holland (the actor, sadly, not the 55-year-old British historian who does The Rest Is History) and they’re perhaps the only celebrity couple Gen Z doesn’t think are problematic.

Molly-Mae Hague

The term ‘influencer’ sounds a bit culty and brainwashy, but Molly-Mae is probably the most famous British one. Starting out on Love Island, she went on to have a controversial brand deal with PrettyLittleThing, and a baby with Tommy Fury which they named Bambi. It makes you wonder if she knows what happened to Bambi’s mother about 40 minutes into the movie.

How much supermarket staff hate you based on how you've f**ked up at the self-checkout

26th October 2023

A CHILD can operate a self-checkout but you’ve messed it up – again. Here’s how much the underpaid staff hate you based on the stupidity of your error.

Buying booze with a security tag on

Buying booze is not an error in itself, but taking it to the self-checkout is. You wait, tapping your foot, for the harried member of staff to come over, pick up your bottle, take it over to the tills where they can remove the tag, bring it back, and authorise your purchase. Why not just go to the manned tills in the first place? You’re a timewasting bastard, as the expression on their face clearly shows.

Scanning an item too many times

Did it take more than a millisecond for the item to register on the screen? Then why not scan it another 12 times, like the impatient little twat you are. Now you have to wait for someone to come and delete the extra 11, and you get quite irritated about it, even though it’s all your fault. Luckily the staff are too polite to show their deep contempt for you.

Can’t find something on the ‘search for item’ screen

You need to weigh this bunch of spring onions, which means finding it first on the screen. But where is it? It’s not there. How frustrating that the supermarket has forgotten to add it. You make a snarky comment to the staff about it, before they gently explain you should be looking at the ‘salad’ section and not the ‘root vegetable’ section. They think you are a moron, but unfortunately cannot tell you.

Losing a barcode sticker

As you dawdled dumbly round the shop chucking stuff in your basket, you didn’t notice that the sticky barcode label had fallen off that red pepper. It’s not searchable on the checkout screen, so you send the staff member on a long walk back to the veg aisle to fetch you another. They probably lick it on the way back, to teach you a lesson for being a bellend.

Unexpected item in the bagging area

How many times have you used a self-checkout by now? Thousands. How aware are you of the fact that if you put your rucksack in the bagging area, you’re going to f**k it up? Very aware indeed. And yet you still do it, and then get shirty because of the inconvenience of waiting 30 seconds for someone to come and sort it out. The staff f**king hate you for this, and you deserve it.