CARDINAL Keith O’Brien has denied being gay, insisting he just wanted to touch erect penises.
A spokesman said: “He thinks that’s where he was going wrong.
“He had perfectly normal, understandable sexual urges, it’s just that every time he tried to grab a penis, it was attached to a man.
“And he only kissed them on the mouth because ‘if you do it right it makes the penises bigger’.”
ALAN Sugar and Richard Desmond are going to submit to the simmering sexual chemistry between them.
A YouView spokesman said: “The tension in the office was getting ridiculous so we’ve booked them an afternoon at a nice hotel with sumptuous bedding.
“Hopefully this will sort them out. They were constantly sparring in a flirtatious manner, like Bruce Willis and Cybill Shepherd in Moonlighting, but with more swearing.”
YouView customer Tom Booker said: “I really hope this means the future of the company is secure, because I desperately need to watch Man Vs Food and Cheaters.”
