CELEBRITIES are to have the meaning of the word bully explained to them, in a bid to stop it becoming utterly meaningless.
As Fearne Cotton became the thousandth self-proclaimed celebrity Twitter bullying victim, linguists have asked famous people to consider whether they are being actually bullied, or simply pestered by lonely professional masturbators.
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “A bully is someone who uses strength or power to intimidate those weaker than them.
“While people who spend their leisure time pouring ungrammatical bile about famous strangers onto the internet are generally unpleasant both in terms of their personality and bodily odours, are they actually bullies?
“For example, if you’re a millionaire media person and your Twitter nemesis is a hairy virgin who eats biscuits for main meals, is there the same dynamic as between a small ginger-haired boy and the thick-necked classmates who dangle him off the stairs every lunchtime?
“Clearly the internet can be used to make someone’s life utterly miserable, and people should be able to look at pictures of Harry Styles and still go merrily about their day, but for the sake of human sanity we need to draw a line between ‘bully’ and ‘bell end’.”
Professor Brubaker believes that if the current proliferation of the word ‘bully’ continues, by 2058 all sentences that don’t include the phrase ‘you’re great’ will be deemed as bullying and anyone still saying mean things about Justin Bieber’s hair will be deported to a pleasantness training camp in Alaska.
Bullying victim Tom Logan said: “I’m one of those lucky kids with weird-shaped ears, and consequently every lunchtime my head gets intimately acquainted with a toilet bowl.
“I told my teacher, he said to be strong like Demi Lovato and if it gets really bad to turn off my Twitter feed, which is after all just a free marketing tool.
“I’m not sure which is more depressing – getting daily kickings or living in a world that is basically a 3D version of the Mail Online sidebar.”
