subscribe
/ Sign Out

‘The Brexiteer’ pub chain launched

A CHAIN of pubs called The Brexiteer has opened for people who are jubilant about leaving the EU.

The pubs allow customers to drink in patriotic surroundings while feeling they are part of a glorious chapter in British history rather than having fucked everything for no good reason.

Sales manager Roy Hobbs said: “I love the Brexiteer because you can talk about foreigners without some bitter ‘remoaner’ going ‘No, you’re a penis.’

“The decor’s very tasteful – Union Jack wallpaper with framed prints of Spitfires. It’s just a great place to drink and chill out with I Vow to Thee, My Country on the jukebox.

“They only serve British drinks, which I agree with, but if you don’t like bitter it does limit your choice to Carling or wine that tastes like nettle juice.”

Pub manager Nikki Hollis said: “I doubt the metropolitan elite will come here and find out because they’re too busy sneering in posh London.

“Also I think it was right to take Scotch eggs off the lunchtime snack menu because Nicola Sturgeon is a traitor and we don’t need Scotland anyway.”

Student Tom Logan said: “On the plus side, you can smoke in there. On the minus side, everything else.”

When I grow up I want to have a rip-off train company

By Tom Logan, aged eight

When I was small my daddy put me on his shoulders to watch the trains going past. At first I wanted to be a train driver, then one day I overheard daddy saying that the train companies were making all the real money because they are bastards. I’m not sure what a bastard is but I think it’s someone who is clever in a certain way.

I want to get all the money for sweets and toys, so I will have a train company called Massive Bastard. We will have our own bit of rail lines to be totally in charge of, which is a good system because you can charge lots of money and even though the people get angry they have no choice. Basically there is nothing they can do except stamp their feet. It’s not like they are going to go on the bus instead because the buses don’t work either and they smell of tramps.

There will be lots of different types of tickets, but we will not explain them so the people get confused and buy the most expensive ones. Sometimes a man or lady from the government will pretend to be cross about that but it does not matter because they will be ‘in my pocket’.

We will have a bit of train called ‘Fancy Class’ which is the same as the rest of the train except for slightly bigger chairs. It costs twice as much.

To get even more money, I will not fix the trains or buy new trains. They will break down a lot but again there is not much the people can do. We will just put it on the screen at the station saying ’Train cancelled’. The people will get cross again and say ‘Massive Bastard is really bad’ but it is not important. Actually it might be quite funny.

I will use the money to get scientists to make real Pokemon out of monkey DNA and then I will live in a big house with them. I will definitely travel in a helicopter too because the trains are rubbish!

Save

Next story ›