Nectar points not for anything

SAINSBURY’S has confirmed that collecting Nectar points is done for the sheer love of it.

The loyalty card scheme was widely assumed by customers to eventually give them free stuff, an attitude which the supermarket called “disgustingly materialistic”.

A Sainsbury’s spokesman said: “Why does everyone expect something for nothing these days? Collecting Nectar points is a marvellous hobby for young and old, and swapping them is a great way of meeting new friends.

“Every Nectar point you earn is a little time capsule, a reminder of where and who you were when you did that Christmas shop or bought your children’s first Easter egg.

“Why ruin a wonderful collection by trading them in for groceries that’ll be gone and forgotten in a couple of days? Would you trade a precious stamp collection away for a bag of oranges?”

Collector Tom Logan said: “I’ve got more than 150,000 Nectar points, and every single one is special to me. They’re my children and I could never bear to let them go.”

Customer Donna Sheridan said: “I did wonder why I always used my Nectar card but never received any kind of vouchers or anything.

“Now I understand that other loyalty schemes might offer free goods, but Nectar points are their own reward.”

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week you’re celebrating the news of a sequel to It’s A Wonderful Life by getting a plane ticket to Hollywood and a flamethrower.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Oscar nominations are never going to sell a film to you until the Academy enter the 21st Century and create an award for Best Topless Car Chase.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Why not relax this weekend by watching a triple bill of Mel Brooks, blaxploitation & psychedelic films? Something like Space Balls, Shaft and Head.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
That Mars advert where the bloke goes in goal is so unrealistic – Scott Parker in an England shirt?

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
When your partner introduces you to her parents, saying “…and you must be her sister?” is only really a compliment for her mum.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
When Shalamar promised to ‘make this a night to remember’ they actually meant they were going to kill your dog with a spade in front of you.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
I’m sure everyone is convinced that you shave your head because it’s fashionable. And that’s the same grunting noise Tinie Tempah makes when he gets out of a chair, right?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Remember, the ‘Women need men like X need Y’ formula works for pretty much anything. For example ‘Women need men like an archaeopteryx needs Acid Jazz’.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
The winsome cover version, the look of amazement on the faces of a rosy-cheeked young couple – the Christmas advert for your local clap clinic has really pulled out all the stops this year.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Time to consider a diet when taking a selfie requires arms like a giraffe’s neck to get all your chins in the frame.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
These days you measure the scale of debauchery of a Friday night out on a scale of 0-Mayor Of Toronto.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
4.9% ABV (Absolute Bollocks, Verifiably)