Mclaren Launch Supercar For The Arse On A Budget

FORMULA 1 manufacturer Mclaren has unveiled a budget supercar targeted at the insecure arse with only £150,000 to waste.

The MP4-12C can reach speeds of 200mph, or 12mph in a typical arse-filled suburb, and will go on sale to arses across the country early next year.

Motor industry analyst Bill McKay said: "It's got a carbon fibre body, increased cornering downforce and lots more Clarkson-speak bullshit that will make the driver think he's Jensen Button rather than the pointless, derivative-trading arse that he actually is.

"It will be fitted with all manner of pointlessly shiny buttons that light up and a switch that says 'sport mode' that isn't connected to anything.

"Ironically, the type of carbon fibre used is called monocoque. You can probably see where I'm going with this."

He added: "It's called the MP4-12C because arses think a jumble of letters and numbers will somehow make it value for money."

Psychologist Martin Bishop said: "We see this a lot in science fiction – C3PO, T1000 etc. It's used as a substitute for imagination.

"And a quick reminder- if you see someone on a chat forum with the username 'THX1138' there's an excellent chance they'll be an arse, or at the very least, some sort of twat."

Production of the MP4-12C will begin in Woking later this year with McLaren confident the weak pound will help drive sales among foreign arses.

Julian Cook, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "It's arse-friendly products like this, the Dyson ZR50-Thing and Russell Hobbs' new XP472 High Definition Kettle that will drive the British economy somewhere meaningless for the next 10 years."

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Green Campaign Urges Drivers To Get Wedged Under Lorry

THE government's latest green motoring campaign is urging drivers to switch off their engines and get wedged under a massive lorry.

Ministers say the scheme could cut CO2 emissions by seven percent over the next three years and will only be mind-buggeringly terrifying for the first hour or so.

The move comes after a woman who was pushed for two miles along the A1(M) near Wetherby in a Renault Clio said she had saved more than 20p on petrol.

Helen Archer, from Doncaster, said: "At first I screamed a lot but then I realised that not only was I saving money but I was doing my bit to help the environment. And then I lost control of my bladder."

Under the scheme drivers will sit on the hard shoulder of a major trunk road and wait until a massive lorry comes into view.

They will then edge slowly onto the inside lane and be swept up by the unstoppable momentum of the 20 tonne vehicle, while ensuring they have written their chosen turn-off on a piece of paper and sellotaped it to the rear windscreen.

Experts say that once the driver has overcome the sense of hurtling uncontrollably towards certain death they will relax, read a book or listen to some music until the lorry driver spins them off at the correct junction.

The scheme will be voluntary for the first year after which there will be fines of up to £8000 for anyone who does not place their car in the path of a juggernaut.

Climate change secretary Ed Miliband said: "We have to reduce our dependence on fossil fuels and tap into our lorry drivers' psychotic indifference to the sanctity of human life.

"By 2015 we would hope to see hundreds of hybrid cars full of local authority recycling consultants being pushed up and down our motorway network by the vast fleet of bio-diesel lorries transporting George Monbiot's weekly medication."

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