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HSBC in talks with Somalia’s pirate king

HSBC is to move its HQ from London and is considering an offer from the pirate king of Somalia.

The bank said Britain now had ‘far too many laws that stop it from doing whatever it feels like’, whereas the ‘light touch regulation’ of coastal Somalia had the ‘makings of a merchant banker’s paradise’.

A spokesman said: “The pirate king will protect us not only from the prying eyes of regulators, but also other pirates.

“In return we’ll give him a monthly tribute of $1m, private banking facilities and tickets to Wimbledon and the British Grand Prix.

“We’ll all still live in London obviously, but we’ll be subjects of the Somali pirate king and will therefore qualify for non-dom status. Bingo.”

Pirate king Ahmed Al-Wadi said: “We have no equivalent of the Financial Conduct Authority or the Inland Revenue. Or the police.

“It’s just me, really. And I spend most of my day just doing crazy pirate stuff.

“Barclays have been based here for years. They love it.”

Boris Johnson both Tory and Labour secret weapon

THE Conservatives and Labour have unveiled Boris Johnson as their secret weapon.

The Tories are hoping his bumbling, mop-headed Bertie Wooster-style persona will convince voters the party does not consist solely of thin-lipped, dead-eyed monsters and that Tory governments are ‘fun’.

Meanwhile, Labour is hoping his bumbling, mop-headed Bertie Wooster-style persona will mobilise voters who hate public schools and everything they stand for.

A Tory spokesman said: “He’s the cuddly teddy bear of corporate-friendly politics. He’ll get out and about, letting people take selfies with him and rubbing his tummy for good luck.”

A Labour spokesman said: “He’s the chubby stooge of corporate-friendly politics. He’ll get out and about, telling people that bankers are brilliant and generally being an unbearable git.”

Johnson said: “I suppose I’d prefer a Tory government, but if Cameron Minor loses then it’s my turn next. So I’m happy to help.

“Would anyone like me to ride my bike into the river and then blame it on the French?”

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