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Bookies suspend betting on prick becoming mayor

BOOKMAKERS have stopped taking bets that the next London Mayor will be a bellend.

As the competition heats up between the main candidates and Jenny Jones over who can be the most uninspiring, experts predicted the next mayoral tenure will feature significant amounts of prickishness.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “We have a bigoted oaf, an oily charlatan and a Liberal Democrat. All three are about as appealing as Nick Griffin wearing nothing but a creepy smile.

“It is now safe to assume that whoever’s running one of the biggest cities in the world for the next four years will be as much use as scented bollock moisturiser.”

Bookmakers initially suspected the influence of foreign betting syndicates in rigging the election to be so heavily prickcentric but then realised it was an absolute cast-iron prerequisite for wanting the job in the first place.

Attention will now turn to how this will manifest itself, with candidates vying for the prickiest ways of solving the capital’s traffic, homeless and stabbing-each-other-all-the-time problems.

According to William Hill, favourite solutions include ‘building three enormous domes for an unspecified reason’ (5/1), ‘making everyone within the sound of Bow Bells a Special Constable’ (3/2) and ‘something with the word ‘community’ in the title’ (evens).

Professor Brubaker added: “Luckily I already have an accumulator on it being an utterly dispiriting result, the winner saying it’s a triumph for common sense and 750 grand being spent on a logo for something to do with electric bicycles.”

 

Boat Race kills 27

THE 158th Varsity Boat Race between Oxford and Cambridge ended in a shootout which killed nine participants and 18 spectators.

After a tedious start involving a protester in a wetsuit, the Cambridge cox drew a 9mm handgun and opened fire.

The gunshots provoked immediate retaliatory fire from the Oxford boat, killing three rival rowers before the Cambridge crew brought their vessel’s 50mm cannon into play, holing Oxford amidships and wiping out sections of the elite crowd.

The Oxford cox, holding a concussion grenade in each hand, leapt from the bow of his boat toward Cambridge but was cut down by rifle fire in mid-air. However it became clear this was only a diversionary tactic when the Cambridge boat was reduced to matchwood by mortar fire from the bank.

The mortar then misfired, killing its crew and spectators, including a galaxy of famous Cambridge alumni, and leaving the crews to fight hand-to-hand in the muddy water of the Thames.

Four died of knife wounds and drowning before an Oxford rower, clutching the splintered remains of an oar, crossed the finishing line and his university were declared the winners.

Sir Steve Redgrave, commentating on the race for the BBC, said: “What a wonderful showcase for British sport.

“The pageantry, the tradition, and the savagery of those young men is an example to us all. I rescued a severed arm from the riverbank and will be mounting it in my home.”

Hugh Laurie, a Cambridge rowing ‘Blue’ and the star of Stuart Little 2, said he was honoured to be asked to formally execute the surviving members of the losing team on the famous ‘quad’ of Trinity College.

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