ONE in every seven company directors in Britain should be a Brazilian transvestite with a pronounced facial tick, according to a new report.
The recommendation was made by former government minister Lord Davies who was asked to investigate the make up of Britain’s boardrooms for reasons no-one has yet been able to adequately explain.
He has nevertheless investigated it anyway and devised a detailed formula which must be adhered to or the British economy will stop suddenly at 3am, hurling everyone into space.
12.9%: Hiccupping, rosy-cheeked village idiots who are actually Iranian spies.
14%: Brazilian transvestites with a nasty twitch.
17.2%: Retired semi-professional cricketers who are now shacked up in a one bedroom flat in Brighton with their son’s best friend.
10.6%: Welsh people who have never seen the special edition of Close Encounters of the Third Kind.
19.4%: Former defence secretary John Reid.
24.6%: Cliff Richard and the Shadows.
Davies also stressed that at least 25% of the people in each category must have a womb, especially John Reid.
Meanwhile the remaining 1.3% will be made up of a rotating panel of angle-poise lamps, cranky babies and people who know what they’re doing
But the move was criticised by analysts who said Brazilian transvestites may not necessarily know how to run a company that makes high-temperature alloy gaskets for the offshore drilling industry.
Julian Cook, from Donnelly McPartlin, said: “Harriet Harman once remarked that the financial crisis would not have happened if Lehman Brothers had been called Lehman Sisters.
“But Harriet Harman is an utter fucking moron.”
