Amazon no longer selling anything

INTERNET giant Amazon is no longer selling any products following disputes with every publisher, film producer, record label and mop manufacturer in the world.

The online retailer, which has pulled everything it sells from its website, has asked its customers to remain loyal and continue giving it money until these problems are sorted out.

A spokesman said: “Our ongoing attempts to get the best price and pass discounts on to the consumer has reached the point where we’re no longer prepared to pay our suppliers anything.

“For the moment they’ve rejected this deal but we’re confident they’ll soon accept it’s for the best, just like all the employees in our warehouses do.

“Please feel free to use your Kindle as a ping-pong bat until then.”

Consumer Emma Bradford of Chester said: “But where will I get all my films, all my music, all my e-books without Amazon?

“Oh yeah, I can just BitTorrrent them all for nothing. I’ll do that.”

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I wished for an endless supply of Walkers crisps

Dear Holly,

I was walking back from the bookies the other day 20 years ago when I came across a dusty old lamp. I gave it a rub, and with a puff of blue smoke, out popped a genie. He told me I had three wishes and to use them wisely. I got rather flustered and wasted my first two wishes immediately by asking for a lifetime contract with the BBC and an endless supply of Walkers crisps. The thing is, I simply can’t think what my third wish should be. Can you suggest anything?

Gary Lineker
São Paolo

Dear Gary,

Perhaps you havent seen the long-running Walkers Crisps adverts but Im afraid they make it pretty clear that your deal wasnt with a genie, but with the Devil. Anyway, anyone with half a brain knows you use your last wish to wish for infinite wishes. Failing that, you could ask for an Elsa from Frozen costume because everywhere has completely sold out.

Hope that helps,

Holly

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