£50 notes no longer illegal tender

DRUG importers, kidnappers and public officials bribed with suitcases of cash have been warned to bank their £50 notes.

The notes featuring Sir John Houblon, the first British man to bring a boatload of opium up the Thames, are being taken out of circulation after years of illegal service.

A spokesman for the Royal Mint said: “Check old attaché cases, duffel bags and the emergency stash for when the shit goes down to make sure you don’t end up tens of thousands out of pocket.

“And don’t forget that wad of fifties you stuffed down your trousers when the Butterfield blag went south. We can wash Cokey Steve’s blood right off.”

The new £50, to be brought into circulation later this year, features the traditional Queen-in-a-ski mask design on one side and an engraved portrait of notorious British drugs trafficker Curtis Warren on the reverse.

Career criminal Joseph Turner said: “It’s the lads doing bird I feel sorry for. They’ve got their pension plans sitting in the boot of a Ford Sierra in a Bermondsey lock-up, and come midnight it’s gone like Cinderella’s coach.”

Inspector Helen Archer of the Metropolitan Police said: “£50 notes are the wages of sin.

“Any member of the public who comes into contact with one should turn themselves in for money laundering and expect a stiff sentence.

“Unless, of course, they work in the City.”