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Wild, Wild West, and other films with f**king horrible theme songs

SOME films have soundtracks that add to their brilliance, while some are made worse by having shit theme songs. Like these:

Wild, Wild West – Will Smith

Watching this strangely terrifying steampunk comedy western is painful enough, but during the end credits Smith performs a rap that summarises the nonsense you just sat through. The only good part is the sample of Stevie Wonder’s I Wish, but just listen to that instead of having nightmares about Kenneth Branagh chopped in half in a steam-powered wheelchair.

Die Another Day – Madonna

From Lulu’s The Man With The Golden Gun (‘He’s got a powerful weapon/ He charges a million a shot’) to Jack White and Alicia Keys’ Another Way To Die from A Quantum of Solace, there have been some truly terrible James Bond songs. However Madonna’s Die Another Day tops them all. It’s basically a half-arsed, phoned-in version of her hit Music, which perhaps makes it entirely appropriate for the similarly crap film it was soundtracking.

Addams Family Groove – MC Hammer

The Addams Family is a cracking film, and could have used the excellent theme song from the original 60s TV show exactly as it is. Unfortunately they decided to update it by getting old parachute pants himself, MC Hammer, to perform an annoying and repetitive rap that makes you feel like your brain is being gradually chipped away at with a blunt chisel. 

Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me – U2

Batman Forever was a middling instalment in the endless Batman franchise and U2 only added to the overall feeling of averageness with this generic rock track. The best bit about it was the video, which featured cartoon versions of the band and meant nobody had to look at Bono’s gurning real-life face. Still, the whole thing looks like Goodfellas in comparison to Batman & Robin, which introduced a grateful world to Bat-nipples.

Spies Like Us – Paul McCartney

How is possible that the same man who wrote Blackbird also produced this boring, plodding excuse for a song? It’s even worse than the reggae break he shoehorned into Live And Let Die, and that’s saying something. The film only has a 32 per cent rating on Rotten Tomatoes which, given it’s a John Landis film starring Chevy Chase and Dan Ackroyd, must mean McCartney is to blame. Or cocaine. One or the other.

The killjoy realist's guide to why the energy bill drop will make f**k all difference

THRILLED at the idea of energy bills tumbling by the unimaginable sum of £426 a year? Calm down. Miserable realist Martin Bishop explains why it will change nothing.

Government subsidies are ending

So what if the average household energy bill will come to £2,074? That’s more or less what it costs at the minute thanks to government handouts. Ofgem’s new price cap only saves our lords and masters a few quid, which they’ll duly spunk up the wall on a new yacht or a speeding fine. You’ll have to keep paying the same as the last couple of years. Because you’re poor and that’s your fault, like in Victorian times.

Wages are still stagnant

Falling bills would only be noticeable if your pay was in line with inflation, but you haven’t had a raise since Gordon Brown was in power. You could always grow a pair and ask your boss for a pay rise, but that might piss them off and make them fire you, then you’d be even worse off. Best to keep your head down and be grateful that energy bills haven’t tripled overnight. Although they could if energy companies get tired of only making big profits instead of mental ones.

Interest rates are about to spike

And it’s not only homeowners who will be f**ked, renters are in the firing line too. Experts are calling the oncoming rise a ‘huge income shock’, which is boffin-speak for ‘stockpile tinned food now because we’re hurtling toward dystopia’. Your eye-watering energy meter readings will seem like a rosy memory when you’re fighting off other hobos trying to steal your place by the burning oil drum.

Food isn’t getting much cheaper

All the money you won’t be saving on energy will be stretched even further by food inflation. Supermarkets are still jacking up their prices, and unless deflation comes along then the weekly big shop will continue to push you to the brink of bankruptcy. You could always save money by foraging for rats and living off their cold, tough flesh, but you’re too much of a fussy eater to do that. It would be particularly bad for vegans.

Any savings will be absorbed by something else

If you somehow end up with a few extra pounds in your pocket, something will undoubtedly come along and pinch them. Your car will fail its MOT. You’ll need to get a filling replaced. Your partner will demand to go on an expensive holiday. You will never get ahead financially because capitalism doesn’t work like that. Energy companies will somehow continue to rake in record profits though. They must just be really good at economising and managing their money. Good for them.

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