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Which one-hit Britpop wonder were you far too into?

THEY released a solitary half-decent song, so why the f**k did you worship these Britpop chancers? It’s unlikely you’ll be attending their tragic reunion tours to find out…

Reef

Everyone loves a tune where you can ‘do the actions’, and Place Your Hands is right up there with Agadoo and The Birdie Song. Was that really a good enough reason to grow your hair long and model yourself on a singer who sounded like your uncle doing a bad Jagger impression? You still love Reef’s only listenable song, mainly because it allows you to perform your signature dance move of standing still while waving your hands around like a twat.

Ocean Colour Scene

A band so crushingly mediocre that the highlight of their career was supporting Oasis. Sure, The Day We Caught the Train was nice, but so is mild cheddar. Thanks to these retro tossers, you actually thought that wearing a bucket hat and mastering some rudimentary blues riffs would get you laid. Despite their classic rock posturing, the only thing Ocean Colour Scene turned up to eleven was the colour beige.

Sleeper

You had posters of Louise Wener on your walls. You devoured Louise Wener interviews in the NME. You knew all Louise Wener’s ill-thought-out opinions. You had powerful, sordid dreams about Louise Wener. Oh, and Sleeper had a song called Inbetweener which you sometimes listened to.

Embrace 

Embrace ticked all the Britpop boxes: argumentative brothers, misplaced confidence, utterly forgettable music. You were convinced that All You Good Good People pissed all over anything on The Verve’s Urban Hymns, which is why you spent every school lunchtime alone in the IT room. Of course, you can look back and laugh at yourself now that you’ve discovered proper music like Coldplay.

The Bluetones

Ah, you loved The Bluetones. You saw them live and it was really… loud. You bought a t-shirt which you wore constantly for six months. What was that song of theirs? You know, ‘Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba’. What was it called now? Slight Return? Bit of a shit title. And isn’t it copied off Hendrix, only he thought of a proper title as well for Voodoo Chile?

Shed Seven

No one is disputing that Going for Gold is a bona fide totally average song. Sadly, like most sheds, everything else the Seventh Shed had to offer needed to be thrown in a skip. When they toured in 2017 you managed to buy tickets within seconds of them going on sale. Gosh, you must have been incredibly lucky to be first in the queue.

Six pathetic ways to try and get a sympathy shag

PREPARED to sacrifice your dignity for the sake of a shag? Of course you are. Here are some pitiful attempts to get laid purely out of pity.

‘My girlfriend’s left me’

You were the most loving boyfriend and she repaid you with rejection. ‘Nice guys always get dumped on, I guess,’ you say, in the hope that the woman you’re with will put right this injustice with a shag on behalf of all womankind. There’s no need to bring up your minor shortcomings, such as being as stingy with her orgasms as you were with Christmas presents. Last year she got a pasta spoon. 

‘I’ve had a bereavement’

Your nan has passed away, and you were such a wonderful grandson, always visiting and doing her shopping. Okay, you didn’t specify when she died, which was 2010, and really you should be able to cope by now, but that’s the price you pay for being so sensitive. Which is another excellent reason to shag you.

‘Animal cruelty makes me so upset’

You love animals and people kicking dogs or neglecting cats makes your blood boil. This has a small but real chance of success with a committed animal lover, and f**k it, there are worse reasons to have sex with someone. Neglect to mention that the animals you love are just the super-cute ones (kittens) or animated ones (Bambi). Big mean bastards like gorillas can go f**k themselves.

‘I’ve worshipped you from afar for years’

Pathetic little you has had a massive crush on her since forever, but you know she’s out of your league. It sounds sappy, but it’s actually a two-pronged attack: she’ll simultaneously feel flattered while pitying you for your utter lack of self-worth. And then f**k your brains out, in theory. Just make sure to sound sickeningly humble, not like you’ve been watching her through binoculars.

‘I’ve had the most awful day at work ever’

Everything you’ve done has gone wrong, you’ve tried so hard and yet all you’ve touched has gone to shit. Your self-belief is crushed and you just need to feel special again. This is pretty desperate, and a useless ploy for sex from a long-term partner. She knows you’re utterly shit at your job, and is likely to feel that any sympathy shag is more deserved by your boss.

Beg

If all else fails, try going down on your knees and begging like you’re due in front of a firing squad. She might – just might – acquiesce because she’s so embarrassed and overcome with agonised pity. Which is a perfectly good basis for a relationship, in your book. You’ve had worse.

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