subscribe
/ Sign Out

Watching 'Elf' make everything better

ELF film and booze make everything  nice, thinks tired Britain. 

Bad election thing Brexit not think about. Curtains closed and lights on tree and festive Elf film, heartwarming message, warm glow.

Tired man Tom Booker say: “Knackered. F**king long year. Not good things happen. Me eat mince pie and watch film.

“Elf funny. Make laugh. Pretty girl like elf. Everyone happy at end. Me happy too.”

Wife Rebecca Booker agree: “Me find sparkly lights and put round window. Lights so sparkly. Sofa so squishy. Me put tall man dressed in funny clothes on telly. Everything fine now.”

New leader of tired people Boris Johnson say: “Tired people. Excellent. Me get Brexit done.”

Office techies oddly reliant on Post-Its

AN OFFICE’S tech team appear to be unusually reliant on old-school Post-It notes, colleagues have observed. 

The IT people, who often have at least two monitors, spend a disproportionate amount of time writing things on Post-It notes and physically sticking them on the nearest wall, it has emerged.

Workmates of the allegedly highly intelligent and computer-savvy staff do not understand why they are using something so old-fashioned or why they could need so many.

Marketing manager Emma Bradford said: “I visited the fifth floor and there were these collections of hand-written bits of fluorescent paper everywhere.

“It looked like one of those TV shows where they’re investigating a massive, wide-ranging conspiracy, but these Post-Its didn’t say ‘1975 Red Brigades bombing – same Semtex?’ but ‘add billing module’ and ‘cache clears 48 hours 12pm’.

“Shouldn’t they just be using, you know, computers?”

Network engineer Nathan Muir said: “The more you work with computers the more aware you are of what unreliable bodged-together crap they really are. Post-It notes you can trust.”

Next story ›