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Six reasons why movie sex scenes are bollocks

EVERY decent film that’s not by Pixar has a sex scene. But how does Hollywood get sex so wrong, and how could it be fixed? 

Simultaneous orgasms every time

In films, simultaneous orgasms arrive with the punctuality of a Swiss train. Really the Tom Hiddleston character should orgasm first every time, ignoring Dakota Johnson’s cries of ‘hold on you bastard,’ then make a half-hearted offer to ‘finish her off’.

No impotence

Rom-com stars regularly hook up after a night of heavy drinking yet flaciddity is never an issue. Bond films in particular should always show borderline alcoholic 007 unable to perform despite 20 minutes of digital stimulation by a bored Holly Goodhead with an aching hand.

Sex is a marathon

Film shagging is an all-night marathon in multiple positions. In real life this would be like a 15-mile run chasing the one thing you want, begging for the amazing sex to stop.

Sex games

Real people tend to be wary of blindfolds and handcuffs, partly because it’s creepy but mainly because it’s silly. In films, because they can’t actually show the act, it’s all about the props as if Jennifer Lawrence got conned at an Ann Summers party and wants her money’s worth.

No first-time nerves

Sex with a stranger can be stressful. Sex scenes in steamy erotic thrillers should include premature ejaculation, nervous apologies and the whole thing should take place entirely with the lights off.

Sex and danger are a great mix

Films like Basic Instinct suggest people are unable to turn down incredible sex, whatever the risks. Untrue. The slightest possibility of getting an ice pick through your brain would make even the biggest horndog roll out of bed and put Sky Sports News on to kill the mood.

Have you booked a foreign holiday this summer and what the f**k were you thinking?

GOVERNMENT quarantine rules have made foreign holidays impossible this summer. But have you already booked one and if so, how thick are you? Find out: 

What are your plans for the summer? 

A) Hopefully at some stage, if the vaccines work, we’ll be able to leave the house and see family and maybe even visit a pub. Unlikely, I know, but we dare to dream.
B) Two weeks in Rhodes. It’s all booked, flight and hotel and everything. And they wouldn’t let you book it unless it was happening, would they?

Do you consider going abroad a gamble? 

A) It’s more like a full evening in a casino in that however much money you pour in you’ll lose and international pandemic protocols will win.
B) Gamble? Safe as houses mate. We’ve been going the Algarve for 20 years so minor issues like Covid or Brexit won’t change nothing.

What will you do if you can’t leave the country for a holiday? 

A) We’ll celebrate the UK’s many holiday destinations by trying to find one without too many Brits ruining it in their f**king football tops and big shorts.
B) If Florida gets called off we’ll make do with Lanzarote or Ibiza or even Disneyland Paris. The kids will be disappointed but it’s the circumstances, isn’t it?

Is your deposit refundable?

A) Sadly the campsite in Pembrokeshire will keep our £450 if we’re banned from going to Wales in July. It’s an acceptable loss.
B) It’s all ABTA and stuff now isn’t it, so they’ll look after us if anything goes wrong. Though we didn’t book from a travel agent because it was cheaper on the internet.

Any other plans? 

A) It may seem extravagant, but I’d really like to visit Nando’s and a cinema like in the old days. But I doubt it’ll happen.
B) Swimming with dolphins, jet-skiing, scuba diving, Euro 2021 and Latitude.

ANSWERS

Mostly As: Perhaps you’re being over-cautious but at least you’re realistic. That Nando’s won’t happen.

Mostly Bs: You have not thought this through and will try and bulldoze your way to a fortnight in the sun regardless. And Boris Johnson will probably cave in and let you, like with Christmas.

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