Six films that definitely shouldn't have won Oscars

EVERY year, the Oscars give eager filmgoers a great guide to what shite to avoid. These six certainly shouldn’t have taken statuettes home:

Best Picture, 1965 – The Sound of Music

Four musicals won Best Picture in the 1960s, which seems bizarre now when the prestigious prize invariably goes to films where actors are as ugly and miserable as possible. That this dull Sunday matinee fare won the highest accolade that year is testament to the decade’s insanely low standards.

Best Picture, 1995 – Forrest Gump

The Shawshank Redemption and Pulp Fiction were released this year, so naturally the best film went to a movie starring Tom Hanks as a pure-hearted slow-witted fool. America chose this when it was feeling sorry for itself and wanted to hear it wasn’t such a bad guy after all. And that quote about chocolates is shite.

Best Picture, 2004 – Crash

A drama about race relations with all the subtlety of a reversing bin lorry, Crash captures the heart-sinking resentment of rear-ending a Vauxhall Corsa and standing around exchanging insurance details. The Academy was obviously so keen to no-homo Brokeback Mountain they just chose the straightest movie in competition.

Best Cinematography, 2009 – Avatar

Rendered almost entirely in CGI, the second-highest grossing film of all time that no-one gives a shit about now won a gong for Best Cinematography, which translates as ‘really this business is all about money and you made three f**king billion’.

Best Director, 1990 – Kevin Costner

Every ten years or so, the Academy likes to reward an actor who’s tried hard. Hence Robert Redford in 1980, former Happy Days star Ron Howard in 2001 and in 1990 Costner, who would build on this artistic triumph by starring in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Beat Martin Scorcese, for Goodfellas.

Best Picture, 2018 – Green Book

Everyone was pissed off about this one. A syrupy tale about how a fat Italian racist helps an intelligent, talented black man get in touch with his identity, Green Book is bollocks and only memorable for beating five better films and two better films about race. Oh well, at least Bohemian Rhapsody didn’t win.

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The five stages of realising you won't be going to a music festival this summer

DID you optimistically buy a ticket to a festival even though it was a gamble as to whether it would happen? Here’s how to cope with realising you won’t be going.

Denial

You were convinced you’d be lying in a muddy field, sunburnt and maybe having a bad ketamine trip this August. The very thought of it got you through lockdown. It’s definitely happening this year – something as trifling as a £10 million insurance risk won’t stop the music.

Anger

You can’t believe that the apparently bohemian, hippy festival you’ve naively been enjoying for all these years has actually turned out to be hugely corporate and is bowing to The Man. You’re so furious that you burn your inflatable armchair and comedy jester hat in the garden.

Bargaining

There must be some way it can still happen. What if everyone was in a zorb ball? Or they halved the crowd and it was socially distanced? They must know you wouldn’t start hugging strangers and telling them you love them after seven pints and half an E. You’re a responsible adult.

Depression

All of the fun and joy of life have been removed now that you can’t spend three days getting shitfaced and not changing your clothes. You are in a deep, dark pit of despair, and feel almost as bad as you do the Monday after a festival when you haven’t slept for three days and have only eaten dodgy burgers.

Acceptance

Well, it’s sad, but actually think of all the money and brain cells you’ll save, not to mention the fact that you won’t need two weeks off work to recover and no one will have to put up with you banging on about how ‘life changing’ Idles were on the Friday night. Maybe it’s not so bad after all.

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