Six bands into Satanism who'd have been f**ked if Satan was real

19th May 2023

HEAVY metal and Satanism go together like virgins and drinking blood. But did artists really think it through when allying themselves with a powerful entity of pure evil? Possibly not.

Venom

‘I bear the devils mark, I kill the newborn baby‘ sang British 80s metallers Venom in the song In League with Satan. However there’s a problem – God is more powerful than Satan, so when Lucifer gets stomped at the Battle of Armageddon, Venom will be going down with their boss. To Hell, specifically. Having a red-hot Gibson Flying V rammed up your bumhole for all eternity could really take the shine off Devil worship.

Led Zeppelin

It’s rumoured Zep all signed a pact with the Devil, so things aren’t looking too peachy for John Bonham right now. A contract with Satan is, of course, the height of stupidity. First, it’s a lousy deal – fame, sex and unimaginable wealth are good, but not worth your immortal soul and an infinite amount of pain. Even Myleene Klass isn’t that desperate. Secondly, is Satan to be trusted in contractual matters? He could easily turn up on Robert Plant’s doorstep tomorrow: ‘Sorry, Rob, your time’s up. Did I not mention the contract doesn’t include weekends? Oops.’

Carpathian Forest

This Norwegian Black Metal band have picked up a reputation for misogyny, possibly due to lyrics like these: ‘You disbehave [sic]/ Underneath the whip… Pick up your teeth with broken fingers.’ Now you’d think Satan would embrace all forms of evil, so misogyny would be fine, but what if it’s not? What if he really likes women? What if he’s got tickets for Taylor Swift at the O2 with the girls? Carpathian Forest might find themselves being tortured indefinitely, and being big in Norway won’t cut much ice with a horde of demons.

Ozzy Osbourne/Black Sabbath

Ozzy bit the head off a bat, his band was called Black Sabbath, and his songs are littered with references to the Big D, so he’s at least Satan-curious. Unfortunately he’s also a grade-A moron. The last thing Satan wants is to be on the cusp of defeating Jesus and for Ozzy to distract him by blundering around going ‘Sharon? Where’s me flip-flops?’ It’s likely Ozzy will end up in a very minor role in Hell that’s hard to f**k up, maybe working in the post room.

Cradle of Filth

Becoming a Satanist is piss-easy. You don’t need professional accreditation from the Royal College of Satan, you just need to do Satanic stuff. So with their popular ‘Jesus is a C-word’ t-shirt and song titles like Satanic Mantra, Cradle of Filth are definitely Satan’s minions. Let’s just hope for their sake he’s not expecting them to grab a rifle and fight the armies of God in Megiddo, because, frankly, these posing, clown-faced wankers look soft as shite.

Iron Maiden

Maiden were profoundly naff, but songs like Number of the Beast (‘Six six six, the Number of the Beast/ Sacrifice is going on tonight’) are pretty Satanic. Bruce Dickinson would no doubt claim it’s just a bit of fun, but what if Satan didn’t get the memo? He could have made them successful without their knowledge. There’s no other f**king explanation. Imagine being tortured forever for the sake of being in Iron Maiden. There probably weren’t even that many groupies because all the fans were spotty 14-year-old boys. It would just be sooo embarrassing.

'Clunge hammer' and my other favourite words, by Susie Dent

19th May 2023

THE English language has the largest vocabulary in the world, but the favourite words of demure Countdown lexicographer Susie Dent are the ones you’d least expect. Such as these:

Clunge hammer

Yes, it’s technically two words, but bookish academics like myself aren’t anal. This word pairs clunge, which dates back to the 1970s, with the proto-Germanic term ‘hamerzeug’ to describe a man’s penis. The implication here being that the penis would like to repeatedly pound away on the aforementioned clunge with the rhythmic action of a striking hammer, which I find beautifully evocative.

F**kface

As far as we know, ‘f**k’ is an early 16th century word of German origin that has been used liberally ever since its invention. You’re probably familiar with words like ‘f**kstain’, ‘f**kwit’ and ‘motherf**ker’, for example. F**kface is my favourite though because of its delightful fricative alliteration that trips off the tongue. Go on, try saying it to yourself. ‘F**kface’. Fun, isn’t it?

Growler

This word for vagina has fallen out of favour in recent years, which is a real shame. It’s understandable though, due to the fierce competition of other words such as pussy, quim, fanny, snatch and twat, to name a few. There’s a lot to be said for growler though. It suggests something rough and ready, which is how I like it.

Cum dumpster

A relative newcomer to the English language, this one. It’s used to describe a promiscuous woman who engages in unprotected sexual intercourse with multiple men. The implication here being that sperm is deposited inside her much like rubbish is disposed of in a dumpster. If you wanted to use it in a sentence, you could say: ‘Your mother is a right cum dumpster.’

Queef

Words for flatulence often sound disgusting. Take, fart, guff and trump, for example. Queef on the other hand almost sounds like queen, which is posh and dignified. This makes it perfectly suited to describing the zephyrs of trapped gas escaping from a woman’s vagina during sex and exercise. I let out half a dozen thunderous queefs during my Origins of Words segment, but because I’m not miked up down there you never hear them. Thank God.