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Rock music's six greatest misogynist anthems

ROCK music is littered with lyrics that are sexist at best and downright misogynist at worst. Here are some classic tracks of varying degrees of offensiveness.

Eric Clapton – Wonderful Tonight

A dubious compliment to Pattie Boyd. Man goes to party with attractive blonde on his arm as pleasing ornament. Luckily her tiny brain is only concerned with: ‘Do I look alright?’ Man then gets shitfaced and makes her drive him home and put him to bed. Less like a song and more like an entirely factual account of an evening with Clapton in his pissed-up ‘Enoch’s alright’ period.

Guns n Roses – It’s So Easy

‘Turn around bitch I’ve got a use for you/ Besides, you ain’t got nothin’ better to do/ And I’m bored.’ Whichever charm school Axl Rose went to must have very affordable fees. He would have got away with this with groupies once, but it’s nice to think ladies nowadays tell him to f**k off because he looks like an overfed piglet in a ginger wig.

Pearl Jam – Black

‘All I taught her was everything’ go the lyrics, strongly suggesting it’s about sex and not, say, teaching her to juggle. Oh, Eddie Vedder, you self-appointed little love guru, you. The tune then turns into a dreary lament about getting unceremoniously dumped, which, when you’ve got an ego the size of Manhattan, should really come as no surprise.

Motley Crue – Girls, Girls, Girls

The title is a bit of a red flag, and this lesson in Motley Crue’s trademark sexual objectification doesn’t disappoint. ‘Long legs and burgundy lips/ Red lips, fingertips’ explains Vince Neil. Hope you’re taking notes, ladies. You don’t want to embarrass the Crue by having short legs. On a cautionary note, if your lips are turning burgundy it may be due to oxygen deprivation from the suffocating heavy metal cliches. 

ZZ Top – Sharp Dressed Man

‘They come runnin’ just as fast as they can/ ‘Cause every girl crazy ’bout a sharp-dressed man.’ Yep, wear a suit and a bit of bling and in the surreal otherworld of ZZ Top, women will fall at your feet. Sadly for the ZZs, no amount of Gucci pinstripes and Dolce & Gabbana cufflinks can change the fact that they look like some sort of freakish Texas hillbilly Gandalf tribute act.

Foo Fighters – All My Life

Dave Grohl is usually on the mark lyrically, but this homage to cunnilingus is strange. ‘Done, done and I’m on to the next one/ Done, done and I’m on to the next’. Does he honestly believe hordes of women will form an orderly queue and wait their turn to have his bearded mush slavering all over their lady parts? Sadly for the rest of menkind, he’s still pretty sexy so they probably would.

Five middle class school lunch box ideas your kid will chuck in a hedge

TRYING desperately to make your child eat baba ganoush when all they want is Monster Munch? Here are five lunches they’ll despise.

Carrot and cucumber sticks with homemade hummus

You think this is healthy and fun because they can dip the vegetables in themselves. Until they see another kid with Dairylea Lunchables and realise you are a tedious bellend. This revelation will linger in the back of their mind forever, and they will always treat you with a touch of contempt.

Bean and cheese quesadillas

The only reason you want your child to eat these is so they correctly pronounce the word ‘quesadilla’ in front of their teacher, making you look like a wonderful parent who has already taught them about world cuisine. Unfortunately these Mexican delicacies went in a hedge on the way to school, and your child is at the tuck shop pronouncing ‘Mars Bar’ instead.

Sushi

They love sushi at Itsu, so you think it would be fun to make some for their lunchbox. Unfortunately, their schoolmates think they are a) weird and b) a twat, and rip the piss out of them until the end of primary school. In fact, they will still be called ‘Fishy Shitface’ in the sixth form, and their best man will mention it at their wedding.

Half an avocado plus spoon

Are you f**king joking? Have you seen an avocado after it’s been in a lunchbox which has been in a rucksack which has stood in for a football and been kicked around a playground for 20 minutes? You’ll never see that spoon again either, they’ve had it confiscated after their thick friend Dave tried to to stick it up his nose.

Coronation chickpea sandwich

Congratulations. You’ve achieved the impossible by making the vilest sandwich filling ever healthy, and therefore even more vile. Stop being such an aspirational prick and give your child what they want: cheese sandwich, crisps and a can of Coke. They say you can’t buy your child’s love, but you can, with a Wagon Wheel.

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