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Robert Jenrick, and other famous people who should never write a children's book

KEIRA Knightley has written a children’s book, based on no literary merit other than being in Pride & Prejudice. Here are some more famous people who really shouldn’t bother either.

Robert Jenrick

The man who famously ordered that murals of Disney characters in asylum seeker accommodation be painted over in case they were welcoming to children would be hard-pressed to write a nice book for them. If he did grudgingly write something it would be titled Go Back To Where You Came From and instead of charming illustrations there would just be phrases like ‘Piss off!!!’ and ‘F**k you!!!’ in large, unhinged capital letters.

Kanye West

While Kanye undoubtedly knows how to write a rhyme, which kids really enjoy, his kind of children’s book would involve an inappropriate amount of affection for Hitler. Children, and indeed adults, aren’t ready for The Fuhrer Who Came to Tea, especially if he eats all the food then sends the family to a concentration camp. Still, at least your terrified little ones wouldn’t make you read it 150 times.

Andrew Tate

Tate’s book of reimagined fairy tales would be even less enlightened than the Brothers Grimm originals. Cinderella does not go to the ball but stays in the kitchen where she belongs. Snow White waits on the seven dwarfs hand and foot because that’s all she is good for (apart from sex) and she loves it. Despite being naked, the Emperor is actually the hero of The Emperor’s New Clothes because he had the grindset and money necessary to get ripped and throw himself a procession. 

Liz Truss

The ex-prime minister has less warmth and charisma than an industrial freezer, and isn’t good at learning from her mistakes, something that forms the basis of many children’s stories. Her book I Am Amazing, Despite What Your Daddy Says About His Mortgage would sell even less than her ill-fated tome Ten Years To Save The West.

Donald Trump

Donald Trump has many terrible qualities, but his current habit of inane rambling across a variety of unrelated subjects – ‘the weave’, as he deludedly calls it – makes him a definite no-no as a children’s author. Kids’ books need to be simple to understand and have a clear structure, so the Donald’s stream-of-consciousness nonsense would just be confusing and boring. And if certain Epstein-related rumours are true, you definitely wouldn’t want him branching out into Young Adult Fiction novels, with the accompanying book signings.

JK Rowling

Obviously Rowling wrote the most famous children’s books the world has ever seen, but her recent descent into gender critical social media madness now means she is entirely unsuited to producing any more. Nobody wants to read an insane and baseless story about children being forced to swap genders by their schools. Not even if they are magic schools.

Sarah Beeny's guide to building your own countryside Death Star without planning permission

SADLY my plans to build a fully-functional Death Star on my estate in Somerset have run into objections. Here is my advice on dealing with idiotic planning regulations and whinging locals.

Win over the local community

Local people are bound to be a bit miffed by some big London celebrity showing up and building a fancy orbital battle station. So I make a point of shopping in the village and reassuring people I’m committed to the rural way of life. Not the sex with farm animals and incest, but if they’re into it I’m cool with that, I tell them.

Tell the council it’s something else

Local planning departments bloody love red tape! They’re completely anal about minor details like waste water pipes, extensions not exceeding 4m in height and whether your turbolasers are connected to the mains. I’ve got better things to think about, so I’ve told them it’s a treehouse. Admittedly with a diameter of 160km it’s a bit big for the average child, but it’s keeping them off my back for a bit.

Emphasise the local benefits

With a crew of 1.7 million Imperials, a Death Star is a fantastic boost to the local economy. The landlord of my local pub says he’s never sold so many crisps. I’ll admit there was an unfortunate incident when my Stormtroopers did that massacre, but you’ve got to admit primary school children with their anorak hoods up look and sound a lot like Jawas.

Add to the resale value of your Death Star

As I know only too well from presenting Property Ladder, interior design choices can add thousands to the value of your home – or can knock thousands off! I felt the stark, white, clinical look of the Death Star was a bit 70s, so I’ve gone for more of a ‘modern rustic’ vibe. On these chilly autumn nights I love curling up on the sofa in front of the wood burner and listening to the deafening screams of TIE fighters taking off. Bliss.

Use bureaucracy to your advantage

Currently the council is threatening to bulldoze my Death Star, something about it casting a shadow over France, but I can afford a good solicitor and I’m appealing every single decision, The glacial pace of the planning process means the Death Star will be fully operational by the time the JCBs show up, which changes things somewhat.

Obliterate somewhere as a warning

Sadly people in the local village, Stoney Stoke, wouldn’t stop complaining to the council, so I was forced to give them a demonstration of the destructive power of my new weapon. Blowing up Mars felt a bit OTT, but as you probably know from Rogue One, a Death Star can be put on a lower power setting, like a hairdryer. So that’s what I did and vaporised Swindon. It was as if millions of voices cried out in gratitude. 

Cover your exhaust port

My struggle with the council and local residents is far from over, and when you’ve pissed off loads of people there’s always a risk of retaliation, like in A New Hope. But I’ve got that covered because I’ve had the exhaust port bricked up and turned into a guest bathroom.

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