YOU can call your band anything. You can be poetic, controversial, deep, funny or ironic. Or you can just use the first stupid thing that pops into your head, like these.
5ive
That’s how many of them there were. The ‘5’ doesn’t make it cleverer. Plus the 5 looks like an S, not an F, so the name resembles Sieve, which could be a wanky celebrity covers band with Jamie Oliver on drums. Worse, they kept the name after becoming a four-piece, which presumably makes them 4our. Should have just gone for 5hit.
The The
Formed in the 70s, this band, and at times solo performer Matt Johnson, were a double-name act in the era of Talk Talk and Duran Duran. They had some decent tunes, and it wouldn’t have been so bad if they’d been more popular, so the name was shit but you didn’t notice it, like The Beatles. But they never achieved the mainstream success of their fellow double-name bands, or even Mary Mary for that matter.
Heart
If you’re going to call your band after a body part why be so predictable? Yes, the heart is associated with love and romance, but so are cock and fanny. Elbow and Wet Leg tried to push the anatomical boat out, so there’s clearly a market for less glamorous areas of the body. Nostril? ‘Duodenum’ sounds quite metal.
The Beat
Being a great ska band The Beat put all their energy into music, not picking a name. Well, let’s hope so. Had they already come up with The Beatles, then had to change it but couldn’t think of another extremely basic piece of musical terminology? Who knows? Sadly, there’s no such excuse for The Chords.
A-ha
If you’re going to name your band after an exclamation, then at least give some context, like reggae artist ‘Eek-A-Mouse’. How about: ‘A-ha! There are my f**king keys!’
Yes
How stoned were these prog rock troubadours to think the world’s most common affirmation would be a profound name? Or were they just debating whether to have another spliff? (Yes.) It’s hard to imagine they had a conversation that went: ‘Hey guys, it turns out The Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band has already been taken. And Ziggy Stardust And The Spiders From Mars. Looks like it’s back to the drawing board.’
The Band
For a group celebrated with such critical acclaim and allegedly responsible for influencing bands like Pink Floyd, they made a pathetic attempt at naming themselves. In no other sphere of life would such a name be acceptable. How much of a bellend would you sound if someone asked: ‘Who’s your favourite football team?’ and you replied ‘The Football Team’. Or ‘What sort of food do you like?’ and you said ‘I like The Food’.
Blue
It shows a shocking lack of creativity naming a band after your favourite snooker ball. This crime also applies to the bands Yello, White and Green, and singers Pink and Black. But to not even pick a more exotic shade of blue, like Lapis or cobalt, is downright lazy. Which brings us to…
Simply Red
What is? Mick Hucknall’s hair? In that case it should be Simply Ginger. If you’re that stuck for a name just call your band after what you’re having for f**king breakfast: Bread, Marmalade, or The Jam, who really were named this way. Mod history would be a lot less cool if they were called The Teabag.
