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Moss Sells Rubbish To Punters

KATE Moss last night declared her garage sale a roaring success after thousands of punters flocked to buy the model’s unwanted clothes and bric-a-brac. 

Choice items on sale included a slightly scratched bathroom mirror with some of the famous beauty’s talcum powder still visible on its surface.

A couple of slightly burnt teaspoons and an old leather belt belonging to Moss’s boyfriend Pete Doherty were also quickly snapped up.

A box of funny looking little pipes, also thought to belong to Doherty, attracted a lot of attention, eventually being bought by a wild-eyed and excitable young man.

However, a bunch of Babyshamble’s CDs flecked with vomit proved a harder sell, and now appear destined for the local charity shop.

Fans of the model’s renowned fashion sense were not disappointed either snapping up trademark Moss items such as sheepskin thongs, high-heeled Wellingtons, and vole-skin legwarmers.

Overall Moss declared the sale an enormous success and said all proceeds would be donated to charity, chiefly the local Old Doherty’s Home for Delinquent Drug Ninnies.

Wonder Drug Boosts Desire For Sex And Chips

SCIENTISTS have discovered a wonder drug that increases women’s appetite for sexual intimacy and fast food.

The magic liquid has so far been tested mainly on hen parties and teenage girls but in both cases they exhibited more mating behaviour and a fondness for chips.

The hen parties in particular sent out classic mating signals including thong flashing and shrieking after ingesting the substance.

Professor Tom Booker, of Glasgow’s Clyde University medical school, said women who had not taken the drug showed a complete aversion to kebabs, or sex with men named Keith.

However, after ingesting the wonder substance most would happily munch their way through a large doner undisturbed while Keith went about his business.

Prof Booker said: “It is truly amazing. It is almost like these people put on a new pair of glasses which change how they see boring badly dressed men with terrible chat-up lines.”

The professor said the amazing discovery was made purely by accident while his department was on work night out.

“At the start of the night we were all involved in a deep and serious conversation about medical ethics.

“We all had a few beers and the next thing I knew I woke up in the department with a kebab as a pillow and my assistant Melissa lying next to me wearing nothing but my Y-fronts.”

The Professor said he was convinced the amazing drug was contained within the beer and wine that had been consumed the previous night.

His team are now setting out to isolate the substance with a view to getting it prescribed on the NHS.

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