THE positions of James Bond and Doctor Who are simultaneously vacant, but who will step in to save the world and/or the galaxy? These are the frontrunners:
Harry Styles
Already acting, unquestionably British, has a track history of womanising like Bond, wearing frilly outfits like the Doctor, and keeping obsessed from going apeshit. Would ruin everything by playing both roles at once and stopping for a quick song.
Phoebe Waller-Bridge
In with Bond after rewriting 20 lines for £5 million, the Fleabag star is posh enough to be the spy though would insist on monologuing to camera about how she regretted each kill. As the Doctor would travel time and space shagging Davros and the Cyberman and regretting that too.
Michaela Coel
Championed by all the same people who inisisted it had to be Phoebe Waller-Bridge five years ago, Coel would be the first black female Bond, the first black female Doctor Who, and the first accomplished black female writer-director to waste the prime of her career doing genre franchise bollocks. So she won’t.
Stormzy
Has no interest whatsoever in either job, but the Guardian remains so awestruck by his 2019 Glastonbury set he legally has to be included in this list.
Jodie Whittaker and Daniel Craig
In a mutually-agreed job swap Craig takes over as Doctor Who and Whittaker becomes the new Bond. Craig’s Who shoots everyone, dealing with alien invasions in 90 minutes tops, while Whittaker’s Doctor buggers about with time so much Blofeld lasers his own balls off.
Anyone not already playing a recurring role in a Marvel franchise
Rules out Tom Hardy, Tom Hiddleston, Martin Freeman, Benedict Cumberbatch, James McAvoy, Kit Harrington, Richard Madden, Rachel Weisz, Rachel McAdams and Ben Kingsley. Basically all other franchises are picking through discarded scraps.
Richard Madeley
A breath of fresh air in both roles, Madeley would tell women called Sexy MacMuff that they were clearly only doing it for attention and aggressively question Daleks about how they expect to run a galaxy of stairs, fine sand and recently ploughed fields. The perfect choice.
