WITH the Coronation out of the way TV viewers have moved on to Eurovision. But which is the better watch for you? Take part in our poll.
The costumes
A) Do you like swords, crowns and ornate, embroidered robes which look so expensive they seem to actively be taking the piss out of people struggling with the cost of living crisis?
B) Are you more into sequins and spandex and secretly wished that halfway through the Coronation someone had whipped off Camilla’s dress to reveal a very short one underneath?
Inclusivity
A) Do you enjoy seeing pale white men honouring another pale while man in a boring magic ceremony? (Although they did have a black a capella choir, which they can do without risk of embarrassment now Prince Philip isn’t around.)
B) Do you prefer an event where every colour, sexuality, class and creed is welcome? (Although the universal message of love and peace is slightly undermined by everyone sending weapons to blow the shit out of Russia.)
The music
A) Patchy at best, but good if the only males and their organs you want to see are very old and playing hymns. There’s a small concession to modernity with the pop concert, which this year featured Katy Perry, Nicole Scherzinger and the reanimated corpse of Lionel Richie. Very much the best of British.
B) Patchy at best, but that’s kind of the point. In 67 years there’s been one genuinely good act, Abba, so it’s not like you weren’t warned. Good music would be a waste anyway, because everyone’s too pissed to remember it. However credit due for not involving Olly Murs or social-climbing twats Take That.
Length
A) A fully-televised long weekend which by Monday had caused you to fall out with traitorous family members who tried to change channels, and also several neighbours complaining about the parking situation due to your street party, the f**king Quislings.
B) A main show that’s mercifully just four solid hours of wildly varying ‘entertainment’ and stilted banter. Plus there’s the slim chance of a cameraman catching one of singers snorting coke off a table like that bloke from Måneskin in 2021.
The politics
A) Prime ministers old and new are invited and even allowed to give speeches. This year an MP previously best known for appearing on Splash! did a Game of Thrones/Stars Wars cosplay mash-up, and that’s normal.
B) Greece gives Cyprus full marks and vice versa. Everyone hates the UK because the British Empire kept killing them 200 years ago and awards us nul points. Or so we thought until we actually had a good song last year. It turns out we’d just been shit for decades.
RESULTS
Mostly As. You voted Coronation. You are a staunch Royalist who loves pomp, ceremony and pageantry. A week later your house is still 80 per bunting and you’ve still got seven Coronation Quiches to force down.
Mostly Bs. You voted Eurovision. You’re covered in body paint and high on life, or rather MDMA. You’ve started to listen to Lulu’s 1969 entry Boom Bang A Bang of your own free will. You are a maniac.
