TONIGHT’S Brit awards will be ‘clinically unwatchable’, according to the Royal College of Physicians.
The group has warned that anyone attempting to watch the two-and-a-half hour Saturday night ITV extravaganza, which should be warning enough in itself, is expected to suffer cranial trauma, gastro-intestinal collapse or blindness.
Dr Eleanor Shaw said: “It’s physically impossible to watch something with this degree of Roman Kemp. Your brain will shut down as a protection measure if you even try.
“But add that to the performers, which include something known as a ‘Tate McRae’, tables full of record company executives who rip their artists off then demand they dance for them, and of course the Brit School kids down the f**king front.
“It adds up to a spectacle so repellent, just attempting to watch it will make your face attempt to turn itself inside out so your eyes are looking at their own brain.
“Dua Lipa and Kylie may attempt to duet, in which case we expect your ears will collapse in on themselves as if being crumpled in the palm of an invisible hand. And you’ll be relieved.”
Shaw added: “Even having your television on is a risk, because other channels have athletics and the Bahrain Grand Prix, so you may well switch over. We advise you saw your television in half at least six hours before the broadcast starts, encase it in concrete and then throw it in a canal.”
