EVEN the greatest musicians produce works which are a bit crap. But if you’re a twat this is simply an opportunity to prove your superior, individualistic musical taste. Try claiming these are the artist’s best:
Bad by Michael Jackson
After reinventing pop with Thriller, Michael Jackson handed over production duties to a Casio keyboard from a primary school music room. If you believe that Bad manages to cut through the horrible sounds of the late 80s with Jackson’s best songwriting, then you’re a bellend who’s wilfully ignoring the existence of Off The Wall.
Folklore by Taylor Swift
Pretentious dicks may be convinced that this is Swift’s mature lockdown album, with lyrics about heartbreak and finding ‘the one’, but the only impressive thing about it is the cynical way it exploits the feelings of teenage girls extremely efficiently. Members of The National and Bon Iver make artistic contributions, no doubt keen to artistically get an artistic share of those artistic royalties.
Hail to the Thief by Radiohead
An album that confirmed The Bends and OK Computer were flukes, some would have you believe that this is the perfect blend of guitar rock and experimental electronica. The truth is that it showcases bloops and bleeps so tuneless, and political sloganeering so nonsensical, it could be a ChatGPT record. The second half of this album is so boring that nobody has ever bothered listening to the final three tracks, not even the wankers who say it’s a masterpiece.
Beatles for Sale by The Beatles
Some hipster type will tell you that this record captures music that’s raw, honest and vital. What actually happened was that George Harrison noodled around on some Chuck Berry riffs without realising anyone had pressed record. The cover photo supposedly captures the band at a moment of burnout and emotional vulnerability, but the actual expression on their faces is guilt; guilt that they’re about to make fans fork out for a load of half-arsed bollocks.
Lodger by David Bowie
It takes a special sort of dickhead to claim this as the crowning achievement of Bowie’s Berlin trilogy. But if Heroes really is a bit meat and potatoes for you, then no doubt you love the lack of recognisable hooks on this damp squib. If you really think the concept of writing multiple songs using the same chords and structure is clever, you must believe Noel Gallagher is a f**king genius.
The Visitors by ABBA
Despair, regret, anger. Not a description of a deep, cathartic collection of songs, but simply the emotions of anyone who purchased this downer of a record. If people are attempting to rip up the dancefloor to these sad tales of war, divorce, and estranged children, then you’ve definitely hired the wrong wedding DJ. Anyone who tries to tell you this is ABBA’s greatest album needs to be pointed in the direction of Two for the Price of One, a song which queasily combines lonely hearts ads with the marketing strategy BOGOF.
