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BBC pledges most hellish EastEnders Christmas ever

THIS year’s EastEnders Christmas episodes will set new standards in harrowing festive grimness, the BBC has promised.

Special episodes of the long-running clinical depression drama will feature marital discord, family breakdowns, infidelity, betrayal and the return of classic 90s failure Nigel Bates, now undead.

A BBC spokesman said: “We’ve pulled out all the stops this year. There’s not a character who won’t see their world destroyed and collapse weeping while fairy lights twinkle in the background.

“It’s a human chain of abject misery, from Cindy to Ian, from Ian to Pete, from Pete to Alfie and from Alfie to Sonia. Like dominos they’ll fall into the black hole of darkness that’s always yawned beneath the square, devouring human souls.

“There will be kidnappings, murders, a public flaying, the use of a family as human skittles, cannibalism and the ultimate horror of a market stall left unsupervised.

“It ends with the reformation by Sharon and Ian of The Banned, their 80s spin-off pop group, with members forced at gunpoint to play a slowed-down dirge rendition of their hit Something Out of Nothing with a family member killed for every bum note.

“How lovely your own Christmas will seem in comparison. Positively joyous.”

Northerners bloody glad they didn't go all the way to Oslo for a bit of red sky

NORTHERNERS who saw the Aurora Borealis last night are bloody glad they did not go all the way to Scandinavia for it.

The meteorological phenomenon caused by a geomagnetic storm was visible across the North from Newcastle to Chester, prompting widespread shrugs and enquiries as to whether that was it.

Tom Booker of Warrington said: “And people go on holiday somewhere freezing and f**king expensive for that, do they? Christ.

“I mean it’s something to look at if you’re outdoors anyway. Livens up walking the dog, sky being sort of red and a bit purple. But if you come out into the back garden specially like I did you’ll find yourself underwhelmed.

“Apparently it’s more impressive if you look at it through your phone. You know what else is good if viewed through your phone? The internet.”

Francesca Johnson of Holmfirth agreed: “Hardly a sunset, is it? And there’s one of those every day, and they don’t stop me doing the washing-up.

“Always suspected it was one of those fancy-arse Guardian things you’d be wasting your time with in real life. Still, at least we got it and the South didn’t.”

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