WITH Warner Bros canning its upcoming Batgirl film amid rumours that it’s incredibly bad, perhaps it’s time Hollywood stopped shitting out the same old franchises? Just a thought.
Obi-Wan Kenobi
Soon, probably by about 2025, every single character who has featured in a Star Wars film for even a single second is going to have their own spin-off. Remember Elan Sleazebaggano in Attack of the Clones? No? We thought not, and yes, that is the character’s name. He’s the guy selling ‘death sticks’ in a club. He could have his own series. A whole series of him selling fags.
Ghostbusters: Afterlife
Considering how hated the dogshit remake in 2016 was, it takes a stunning lack of creativity to go back to the same idea. So that’s what Hollywood did. And we got the less bad Ghostbusters: Afterlife, but it’s still pathetic. This franchise is like the prick at a bar who just won’t take a hint to piss off. And that prick is Dan Ackroyd telling you about his brand of vodka.
Spider-Man
A franchise so continually rebooted that future generations will identify themselves based on who played Spider-Man when they were growing up. Were you a Tobey Maguire type, or a Tom Holland guy? Or an Andrew Garfield fan, or a Nicholas Hammond purist who only watches the 1977 TV series? The actual story is now so convoluted the only person who will understand it will be one solitary uber-geek who is Professor of Spideyology at MIT.
Planet of the Apes
Integral to the appeal of the original movie was the shock reveal that the film was taking place on Earth. Without that, the new slew of films have basically turned into a nightmarish David Attenborough documentary, with monkeys and humans ferociously trying to kick seven shades of shite out of one another.
Wonka
The original Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory was a surreal fever dream, loved and feared by millions. Tim Burton’s remake, starring cocaine enthusiast Johnny Depp, belongs in a bin. Now there’s going to be a musical origin story starring Timothee Chalamet. What audience was clamouring to find out about the troubled childhood of a mentally ill, slave-owning chocolatier?
Godzilla
Like a sort of shit Halley’s Comet, one of these seems to come around every 20 years. Sadly, instead of knocking it on the head after 68 years, Hollywood thinks the latest effects will overcome the minimal story. Development meetings must entirely consist of: ‘Let’s see how much more realistically we can now depict a big prick of a lizard kicking over some office blocks. Again.’
