A EUROVISION Song Contest hosted in Brexit Britain is a disaster waiting to happen. Here are the many ways it will go wrong.
A points system by Priti Patel
The Eurovision Song Contest points system is an arcane black magic that defies logic, but at least it isn’t evil. When the UK runs the show though it will be modelled on Priti Patel’s immigration policy. The best and brightest performers with medical degrees will be awarded douze points, everyone else will be packed off to Rwanda.
Nigel Farage as presenter
For the sake of balance and gammon representation, Nigel Farage will take care of some of the presenting duties. Expect him to get into the Eurovision spirit by dressing up as a pint or a blue passport, and making what he thinks are wry observations on the contestants but are actually xenophobic hate speeches. Co-hosts Prince William and Claudia Winkleman won’t know where to look.
Union Jacks f**king everywhere
The UK is only holding this party because it’s marginally more hospitable than Ukraine and we somehow came second place last time. But this won’t stop us acting like the centre of attention and draping every square inch of the venue in Union Jacks. After all, we don’t want to look like a ridiculous failure to the rest of Europe.
Continental contestants barred
Britain has full control of its borders now, meaning it can shut out whoever it wants. This includes everyone it thinks has done it wrong over the years, meaning that nobody from Europe will be allowed entry. The resulting contest will be an empty stadium with the UK and Australia performing their dreary songs on repeat for three hours.
The UK’s inevitably shit entry
Sam Ryder was a fluke. He was a once in a generation freak anomaly which the country will fail to learn from. Instead of copying his success by entering a catchy, feel-good song, the UK will revert to form by pinning its hopes on ‘Rule Britannia’ as performed by the Military Wives Choir. What could be more Brexit Britain, therefore shit, than that?
