RESEARCH keeps showing that young people are choosing not to drink alcohol, the freaks. Here Tom Logan, 45, explains why this dangerous fad must end.
Drinking is character-building
My generation was used to hardship, dragging ourselves out of bed despite horrific hangovers. Not just after special occasions, but several times a week. We thought nothing of fighting waves of nausea on the bus then doing seven hours of the least-demanding office tasks we could find, all while showing the self-control not to throw up in our bin. That’s why they call us ‘the greatest generation’. I’m pretty sure that’s us.
Getting drunk is a rite of passage
Everyone says this so it must be true. Although the first time I got properly shitfaced at a teenage party I don’t remember anyone hugging me and welcoming me into adult society like at a bar mitzvah. But I suppose at a bar mitzvah you’re not covered in puke.
Middle-aged people need to feel mature
Like many of my generation, I’ve already got chronic impostor syndrome about being an adult, so I don’t want f**king teenyboppers being more mature than me. They seem to be quite into weed, but I can’t really tut about that because I want to retain some cool, even if the last time I smoked a joint was in 2003. So stop fannying about with sobriety and start getting your stomach pumped in A&E, kids.
The human race will die out left to these twats
It sounds harsh, but in my younger days I can’t imagine anyone wanting to have sex with me or my mates without significant mental impairment. So the chances of teetotal Gen Z with their mullets and septum rings getting their leg over is nil, and inevitably the human race will die out. We must urgently rethink sex education while there’s still time, and teach teenagers that reproduction requires a sperm, an egg, and at least five pints of snakebite and black.
Alcohol reduces intergenerational conflict
It’s perfectly normal for middle-aged people to hate youngsters for their (mostly) slim bodies and moderate levels of fitness. More alcohol would turn them into tubby little bastards with slow-burning serious health conditions, and I think we’d all be a lot happier with that. The last thing we want is more intergenerational conflict, like the one between my generation and boomers, who have selfishly destroyed our planet and keep spending my inheritance on coach trips to the Isle of Wight.
They won’t learn vital pub social skills
Going to the pub looks easy, but actually requires you to learn certain counterintuitive skills: making a boring conversation tolerable with alcohol rather than doing something more stimulating; how to pointlessly try it on with someone out of your league; how to hold an important roundtable discussion about whether you’d shag that Dua Lipa. Without these skills, pubs would just be a room full of tedious pissed people eating crisps, and that’s a terrifying thought.
