A MAN who followed health guidelines on daily alcohol consumption has declared himself deeply disappointed with the experience.
Tom Logan attempted to abide by the rules in the hope that he could savour the experience of imbibing, rather than getting rat-arsed as usual with the final part of the evening a total mental blank.
However, having stuck to the number of units recommended, he found that he had reached the limit by 6.05pm.
Logan said: “I’m willing to give anything a try, including drinking sensibly. It looks okay in public health adverts, even enjoyable. I’m such a f**king mug.
“I can categorically say that having reached my generous quota of two pointless units, that the philosophical argument for drinking stupidly has never felt stronger.
“I mean, what’s the point? Drinking that little is like going for a 50-metre jog, or a 30-second swim, or eating half a teaspoonful of cake. You wouldn’t watch The Godfather for five minutes or end a sexual encounter after taking your trousers off.
“Let’s get real. Basically, it’s binary. The government slogan should be amended to read ‘Either drink shitloads or drink f**k all’.
“I couldn’t sit in the pub without a drink, so once I hit the limit I hammered the Diet Cokes and lime and sodas. They go down much quicker than lager so I had about 20. Drinking in moderation, my arse. I’ll be up all night pissing.
“I seriously recommend that they revise these guidelines and consult actual human beings living lives barely tolerable without booze rather than weirdo teetotallers in white lab coats.”
