Collecting your glass when there's still beer in it, and other annoying things pub staff do

22nd December 2022

FANCY a pleasant night out at the pub? Prepare for it to be marred by bar staff doing annoying shit like this.

Collecting a glass when there’s still beer in it

A pint of beer now costs so much you need to enjoy every single drop to feel like you’ve got your money’s worth. The bellend of a barman doesn’t seem to care though, he just wants to grab the glasses as quickly as possible so he can get back to flirting with his painfully uninterested female colleague.

Under-pouring a pint

Similar to the above, why are they trying to screw you out of even a millilitre of precious alcohol? They know how much it costs, they work in a pub, for f**k’s sake. Even worse with wine – are they annoyingly sloppy or trying to screw an extra glass out of the bottle? Either way, you sniffily demand they fill it to the line.

Putting on their favourite shit music

Pub music should either be stone cold classics that everyone loves, or so unobtrusive you don’t notice it until it’s turned off. So when the bar staff decide to inflict their newest psychedelic breakbeat mix on you, you suspect they’re driving away all the customers to leave them in peace to act out their tragic fantasies of being a superstar DJ.

Ignoring you and looking at their phone

Fine, so they’re bored witless because they’ve spent the last four hours serving beer to pissed-up twats, but they don’t need to be so obvious about it. They should be enjoying your witty repartee, like asking for a Guinness shandy, not scrolling Instagram. You wave your debit card to get their attention, but the idiots don’t seem to realise you’re a high-roller with £112.57 in your NatWest account.

Not letting you finish your drinks at closing

You’re still sitting there shouting and laughing 20 minutes after they’ve called time, but so what? Why are they picking up your glass when there’s still vodka and coke in it? Killjoys. But you show them who’s boss. When they finally tell you to piss off you threaten to complain to their manager, before promptly forgetting the second you stumble out into the cold.

The top 10 simmering family resentments you gloss over every Christmas

22nd December 2022

DO you normally manage to ignore festering family disputes at Christmas? Here are some that could spill over into a blazing row at any moment.

10. Why your younger brother still lives at home rent-free

The kids love that uncle Tom spends hours on his Nintendo and still collects boxed Lego figures, whereas you are more likely to observe that he’s been sponging off your parents for the last 30 years. That’s okay, he’s been ‘thinking about’ getting a job.

9. Who hosts Christmas lunch

Your mum is hosting but keeps complaining it’s really too much for her these days, as if you’re slowly murdering her. But if you offer to host she’s devastated and betrayed. If passive aggression was a martial art she’d be a black belt.

8. Your sister-in-law’s get-rich-quick scheme

No, you don’t want to buy a vastly overpriced skincare range from your sister-in-law, especially when she keeps asking you to host parties to lure in your friends. She’ll be deeply offended if you say the words ‘pyramid scheme’ because she genuine believes she’ll be hosting Christmas on her luxury yacht next year.

7. Your parents’ career advice

Worried about redundancies at work? You did A-level Spanish so your dad will suggest teaching it to kids. Yes, you can sleep easy at night now, knowing there’s always part-time home tutoring you have no qualifications for to pay the mortgage.

6. Spending all day driving around

Your family Christmas is spent in the car driving around keeping various family members and in-laws happy. You will always get it wrong, despite wasting your Christmas day stuck in a tailback on the A3. You’d like to kick them out on a deserted lane, but you’d never hear the last of it from Auntie Clare.

5. Fake cheer in photos

Everyone pauses the tension as your Insta-happy step-sister takes a shot of the Christmas lunch. You all gurn happily like the best family ever, even if you’d secretly like to drown half of them in the gravy and you’re f**ked off about your parsnips getting cold.

4. Brexit

Your father voted for Brexit due to unfathomable resentment about Britain’s 1992 departure from the ERM, and butter mountains. Now it’s wrecking the economy and you and your children have lost their freedom of movement. If you didn’t keep schtum you’d be rowing during dinner and all the way through Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

3. Who got more love when you were kids

Being back in your parents’ house brings back the fact that your sibling got the massive spare room whereas you had the box room, even though you were older. It still rankles, even in your 30s – probably because your starter home isn’t much bigger. Although it doesn’t have Michael Jackson posters, obviously.

2. Your parents’ adherence to bizarre rituals

Your mum insists on serving tinned custard with the Christmas pudding, even though no one likes it, whereas your dad frogmarches you all out for a walk after Christmas dinner even if it’s pissing with rain. Contemplate initiating a few crazed rituals of your own, such as ritually chucking all the orange cremes out of the Roses tin into the bin, and see how they like it.

1. Who gave better gifts

Every year your thoughtful Hotel Chocolat hamper is reciprocated with a box of Matchmakers, and not even a decent box, a mini pound shop box. Thanks, Aunty Jean. Hope you rot in Hell.