BRITAIN’S population is staggering into the fourth week of its self-destructive lockdown drinking spree.
With no end to the lockdown in sight, plucky Brits have bravely decided to redouble their efforts of getting wasted around the clock at home.
Francesca Johnson said: “It’s common knowledge that everyone who isn’t a key worker has been doing their bit at home by necking booze or lying around in a half-cut stupor for the last three weeks.
“Not only is this pumping money into the economy, it also makes working from home bearable, so we’ve really got to keep it up. It’s patriotic.
“Sure, the government hasn’t explicitly told us to get wrecked 24/7, but if you read between the lines you can tell they want us to crack open another bottle of Lambrini and drink the day away.
“Why else do you think the offies are still open?”
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The biggest challenge as we enter week four is to make sure everyone paces themselves. If everyone pops out for tinnies at once some people will not be able to get bladdered.”