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Are you a posh person getting pissed?

PEOPLE get drunk every day, but some of them are posh and so their piss-up sessions are thrilling, aspirational and news. But are you one of them? 

Where are you getting drunk? 

A) In your front garden, surrounded by empty cans.
B) In your front garden, surrounded by waiters with flutes of champagne on silver trays.

What’s your excuse for getting drunk in a field? 

A) Some horses are running fast somewhere nearby and you’ve put money on one of them.
B) Some horses are running fast somewhere nearby and you own several of them.

What hat are you wearing? 

A) A baseball cap bearing the logo of an American sports franchise.
B) A wide-brimmed hat bearing a witty, deconstructed, postmodernist take on baseball caps incorporating cut-up mesh and logos worth £1,200, created by milliner-to-the-stars Philip Treacy.

How are you celebrating passing your exams? 

A) Getting hammered, snogging one or more classmates, then waking up the next day and checking out all the photos of it on Instagram.
B) Getting hammered, snogging one or more classmates, then waking up the next day and checking out all the photos of it in the Daily Telegraph and Mail Online.

Drinking and driving is: 

A) Not a problem, because you know you can handle it.
B) Not a problem, because you know the chief constable.

How will you end up? 

A) A drunken old ruin in a patched leather chair, raging impotently at the modern world after having achieved nothing in your time on this earth.
B) Same, but in the House of Lords.

ANSWERS

MOSTLY As

You are nothing but a common alcoholic. This country is going to the dogs because of the likes of you.

MOSTLY Bs

You are effervescent, sparkling, witty and have a column in Tatler. Of course it’s news when you get drunk! Your father owns a county!

Pub destroyed after putting on Oxbridge comedy troupe instead of World Cup

A PUB has been reduced to rubble after its landlord decided to host an Oxbridge improv group instead of showing England’s World Cup game.

Tom Logan, landlord of The Lion’s Head pub in Gloucester, decided it would be ‘original and interesting’ to put on a performance by Oxbridge comedy troupe A Room for Norman, who describe their show Troutface? as ‘wildly anarchic meta-satire, informed by our time at a French clowning academy’, instead of the football.

The hour-long performance by three tall skinny posh boys includes a 20-minute sketch where the group tickle each other with rubber snakes while shouting in Latin.

Surveying the smouldering ruins of his pub, Logan said: “Being a fairly rough sort of pub, we quite often have fights after the football, so I thought perhaps some semi-improvised surrealist comedy would create a more thoughtful, intimate atmosphere.”

Pub regular Wayne Hayes said: “I remember those tall kids walking on stage, making a joke about not being the football, and then somebody threw a wheelbarrow.

“Everyone started punching each other, or just punching the walls or furniture or themselves. There was a massive crash as someone drove a Transit van through the wall, and an Alsatian was running round with a pool cue in its mouth.”

Tom Logan added: “Overall it was not successful but if we can get the pub rebuilt in time for the next England game we’ll probably try showing Pretty Woman instead.”

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