TRANSPORTING food into a field to eat it is a worthless endeavour, it has been confirmed.

As the weather momentarily improved, thousands of people have travelled long distances with heavy bags of provisions to lay down blankets which immediately became insanitary.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Initiating a picnic is basically making a decision to have your food shat on by tiny insects.

“There is something about decent weather that makes middle-class people want to live in a vaguely stone age manner. It’s the nearest they come to getting horny.

“It is somehow ingrained into our national psyche that it’s fun to eat sweaty beef rolls on an uneven surface within sniffing distance of a rotting fox.

“The countryside is the domain of poisonous plants, grass snakes and depraved, underclass fire-starters. You are not welcome in it, and neither is your bag full of kettle chips and yoghurt.”

He added: “On a related note, Picnic chocolate bars are mediocre at best, easily the weakest of the commonly available chocolate bars. Coincidence? I think not.”