WOMEN in the UK will soon have the option to give birth anally, as part of the NHS reform bill.

The new rules, which come into effect in early March 2012, have been introduced to make the whole process of childbirth a more pleasurable experience for women, according to health experts.

Dr David Stark of UK Healthcare Trust: “It makes sense to  combine the joy of defecation with the rather more uncomfortable act of giving birth to a human.

“I am sick to death of women moaning on and on about the agony of childbirth and their gaping, flaccid vaginas. We hope the new procedure will put an end to this hormonal nonsense.”

Under the new rules, when women discover they are pregnant, they can make a choice between a traditional vaginal birth, a Caesarean section or an anal birth. It is expected that most women, including celebrities like Victoria Beckham and Angelina Jolie, will jump at the chance to have a ‘rectal child’ and keep their clitorae intact.

An NHS spokesman said: “Several key changes will occur on labour wards. Instead of midwives, there’ll just be immigrant toilet attendants with minimal English language skills who sign a laminated cleaning rota every 20 minutes and watch the soap dispenser like a hawk.

“And mothers will not be offered epidurals: they’ll just be handed a copy of The Times’ crossword and left to get on with it.

“In addition, there’ll be much less waiting around for labour to start, as women will be given a strong cup of coffee and a cigarette. And there’ll be no more screams of agony. All you’ll hear are sighs of pleasure.”

Jackie Spencer, a professional feminist from Peterborough, said: “Women should re-claim the back passage as our own and make it all pretty with ribbons and bows and things.”