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How to harshly judge a new friend based entirely on their Christmas tree

BEEN invited for a Christmas drink at a new friend’s house? Here’s how to make sweeping judgements about their class and taste based entirely on their Christmas tree.

Be a massive snob about it being fake

Despite them saying a fake tree is better for them because their partner is allergic to pine needles and it means less cleaning up, you can’t help but look down on them. Imagine tugging it out of the attic and yanking all those cheap fake branches out as if it’s 1987. You thought you’d come to a sophisticated party, but now you’re expecting them to bring out a Viennetta and a box of Black Magic, the dreadful oiks.

Internally roll your eyes because it’s huge

Honestly, only the worst kind of upper-middle-class dickhead would have the gall to have both high ceilings and a bushy, healthy tree that reaches right up to them. Who do they think they are, William and Kate having a sumptuous yet wholesome Christmas in their charming Windsor cottage? You secretly pocket a tasteful wooden decoration to spite them, because it no doubt came from John Lewis and cost £25.

Question their taste because it has a theme

Ugh, it’s so trashy to have baubles in the same colour palette as the tinsel, or to hang up dried orange slices because you saw it on TikTok. Why haven’t they got a mish-mash of ancient, cracked plastic bells from the 1970s and shitty paper-and-glitter angels that their now 30-year-old kids made in primary school? They are clearly heartless, tasteless bastards who value aesthetics over family.

Make judgements about their class based on the lights

If the lights are lots of colours, the wrong colour, the wrong shape, too large, twinkling or playing a tune, they are incorrect. And they mean your friend is working-class. The only acceptable kind of Christmas tree light is a restrained string of warm white ones which definitely don’t do anything as common as flashing. Pretend to admire them while thinking up ways to make your excuses and leave before they offer you a glass of shop-bought eggnog.

Pity them if it’s not traditional

Is their tree white, or silver, or made of cardboard or twigs or feathers or balloons? There is obviously something wrong with them which means they feel the need to be more special and interesting than everyone else. Perhaps their marriage is on the rocks or they have a personality disorder. Whatever it is, you feel sorry for them. And you hate their Christmas tree.

Make your excuses and leave if it has real candles on it

Someone who puts real candles on their Christmas tree and lights them is literally playing with fire, especially come January 5th when the branches are tinder dry after a month inside with no water. They must be either certifiably insane or so posh and rich that they could cope with their house burning down without much bother. Either way, leave immediately, for your own safety. And you’re not schlepping all the way to the local burns unit to give them their Christmas card.

How to avoid allegations of inappropriate behaviour at your Christmas do, with Gregg Wallace

BOOZY workplace Christmas dos are a danger zone for inappropriate behaviour. Luckily former MasterChef presenter Gregg Wallace is an expert in this particular field. Here are his tips.

Retire ‘coming down your chimney’ jokes

Apparently not all ladies are receptive to you saying ‘Is Santa coming down your chimney this year, Lucy?’ with a creepy leer on your face, so it’s probably time to retire this joke and its variants. Which is a shame, because what could be more Christmassy than talking about ejaculation?

Go easy on the booze

Avoid getting too tipsy with tried-and-tested tips like drinking beer rather than wine and alternating alcoholic drinks with soft ones. That way you’ll avoid ill-judged comments and if someone is offended you’ll remember the exchange. Just recently the comedienne Katy Brand brought up an innocent quip I made ages ago: ‘I’ll munch the living daylights out of your little tart.’ Which I’ll admit is a bit saucy, but I was relieved to remember I’d only said ‘tart’.

Some Christmas banter may no longer be acceptable 

Many women nowadays are not okay with traditional festive banter such as ‘I wouldn’t mind you in my stocking!’ and ‘You’re a Christmas cracker!’. I can’t think why. And if your Christmas do involves a roast dinner, I’d think twice about telling ladies whether you’re ‘a leg or a breast man’. It turns out some of them don’t like this, especially if you’re staring unnervingly at their tits. 

Play it safe with Secret Santa

Office wags have always found it amusing to give embarrassing Secret Santa gifts such as vibrators to women or gay porn to blokes. But this can be misinterpreted, so I’d avoid it. It’s not a problem for me personally because this year all my colleagues, male and female, will be getting their usual gift: a signed photo of me topless.

Try not to grope someone during ten-pin bowling

It’s common for workplace Christmas dos to include a fun activity such as ten-pin bowling. However recent events suggest you shouldn’t insist on helping women by leaning over them disturbingly and gripping various body parts to ‘adjust their stance’. It might be wise to lay off the jokes about ‘handling big balls’ too, hilarious though they are.

In fact lots of bodily contact is not okay, even at Christmas

With all the hugging and kissing that takes place at Christmas it’s easy to assume all bodily contact is fine. But strangely that doesn’t include pressing your crotch against women. I haven’t done that, despite someone giving a very clear and definite description of me doing it, but if I had, which I haven’t, I’m sure we can all agree it’s an easy mistake to make, right?

Remember to wear pants

There are a million things you have to remember to do at Christmas, so it’s easy to forget to put on underpants when you’re getting ready for your Christmas do. If your trousers then somehow become unbuttoned you might inadvertently show someone – possibly a female person – your pubic hair. But it’s clearly just an innocent act of forgetfulness, like forgetting to buy sprouts. Yes. Exactly like that.

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