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Five places you can find your presents right now if you want, kids

HI kids, can’t wait until December 25th for your presents? Luckily Santa has already half-heartedly hidden them around your home in these places.

At the back of mummy and daddy’s wardrobe

Mummy and daddy’s wardrobe is full of lots of boring things, like office suits and those expensive pants from the internet your mum wears when you spend the weekend at your grandparents. Push your way past these garments though and you’ll find the Lego set or QR code for a Minecraft skin or whatever bollocks it is you’re into these days.

Under your parents’ bed

Wait until your parents have fallen asleep in front of Strictly Come Dancing, then sneak upstairs and crawl under their bed. Once you’ve wriggled your way past your dad’s collection of top shelf men’s interest magazines, you’ll discover a treasure trove of gifts and toys, some of which are only for mummies though so don’t touch them. Seriously, you don’t know where they’ve been.

The car boot

One of the harder places to break into because your parents will lose their shit if they see you running towards their Volvo XC60 with the keys. They’ll assume you want to let the handbrake off again for a laugh, so try and wait until you’re being driven somewhere then crawl through the little hole in the back of the arm rest.

In dad’s special fun shed

You know the place, it’s sort of like dad’s tree house only it’s at the end of the garden and filled with old tins of paint. Your dad must find them entertaining though because he spends endless hours there, especially when your mum’s sister visits. Look behind the concrete paving slabs he’s hoarding for no apparent reason and you’re bound to find your presents.

Up in the attic

This one defies logic. Why would Santa go to the effort of storing his presents in your attic? And why are there all these receipts from Hawkin’s Bazaar and Amazon, don’t his elves build everything in their magical workshop? Better ask your parents to explain this mystery, they’ll be more than happy to have a thorny discussion about the logistics of Santa after a long day at work.

Haggis for breakfast and presents up a 40ft pine tree: Christmas traditions from around the UK

DID you know the Welsh greet Christmas morning by opening their windows to invite the drizzle in? These bizarre Yuletide traditions come from around the UK:

England

Aware the monarch gives an address on Christmas Day, the English upper-classes consider it gauche to speak before their ruler and so remain completely silent until 3.10pm. The time is spent ignoring each other, drinking neat gin and not opening presents because they already have everything.

London

In order to show pride in their multicultural city, residents are obliged to leave the house and purchase yams from a cheerfully ethnic shopkeeper of a different faith on Christmas morning. The starchy tubers are placed in a ceremonial bowl, where everyone remarks how wonderful it is they can be obtained at short notice, before being thrown away.

Wales

Moisture in the air is a Welshman’s constant companion so on Christmas morning the doors and windows are thrown wide to invite it in. It is set a place at the table, thanked for its valuable role in stopping the English moving in en masse, served a pint of Brains, wished a Nadolig Llawen and then asked to leave.

Scotland

Following a breakfast of haggis, Scottish children are invited outside to collect their gifts from the branches of a 40ft pine tree. Only the bravest climbers reach the high-value gifts at the top, anyone who falls loses the lot and all uncollected gifts are retrieved with a pole and returned to Argos.

Northern Ireland

The final episode of To The Manor Born in 1981 was seen by 24 million Britons – but not in Northern Ireland, where Thatcher spitefully banned it. It was not shown until the Good Friday agreement which stipulated it would be shown every Christmas Day at 7pm as a mark of peace. It still attracts an audience of a million a year.

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